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Saturday, January 30th, 2010
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3:25 pm
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Wellz, I'm in Starbucks again for four hours 'til Joey gets off her shift. 8D I actually like doing this on Saturdays~ x3 That way I can use the computer and not be yelled at for elec usage, LOL;;; Annnd...I lyk the pastry and frappichino, even though it takes a HUGE chunk out of my daily calorie goal...X,D;;; wRWRWORHWROHWROH! Anyways, today the bike SHOULD be fixed~ We took it here with us, anyway. :T;; I actually rode it most of the way, haha. xD It was actually EASIER to ride a bike with a broken wheel than to walk...which is kinna sad. :[ But yer...God, I was SO TIRED when I got waked up though omg...*went to bed at 4am* <=__=;;; BUT IS WORTH IT u8< I've got a new routine going~ Where I'll be on the computer at night, actually GET to talk to my mates and listen music/DL, and draw as well~ How does Joey allow me this? I'm working on commissions, HAHA. Even though it's kinna fucked up that the only time/way she'll allow me on the comptuer at night without nagging is if I'm /WORKING/...eh, I'll take what I can get. >__>;;; So I'm working currently on Ashley's comission, and as I said in my previous entry about scrapping the original and starting over, I did, and I think it was for the best. 83 I guess some ideas seem nice but just won't get you anywhere in the long run LOL;;; This idea is much more original and cooler anyway...>:3
Last night I had a shyte time trying to get to sleep when I actually did DECIDE to attempt it, LOL;;; First it was too hot *FUCKING MIRICLE LOL* and then my clothes felt, IDFK too tight, and then Joey took up the whole bed...>>;;; And then my arms and shoulders were hurting alot, IDFK why...and yer. D: Bad night. Dx Blah...anyways, I'm so tiiiiredddd....X,D And there's still an hour and fourty min left...Also, you know what I hate? When the ENTIRE fucking Strabucks is EMPTY and yet these two people decide to sit directly in front of me...FFFF. And the crazy lady has on so much perfume I wanna VOMIT, and it seems they'll be here for a long time too....<.w.;;; ...*MUCH TIME PASSED* Well, they finnally left :'D And some parents walked in with a whale-sized ReRe child X,D *GOES TO HELL FOR LAUGHING* X,D;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; But yer, now it's down to 40min left...and I'm soon to post this. Next time I should bring my tablet, and get some work done in the meantime...]: I also need more comissions X,D;; But they're so hard...>>; Well, anyway, I'll think about that later...I really hope to get back into the swing of drawing because I loved to see a finished product, you know <3 Even if getting there caused me the EPIC stress....<`__`;; Anyways, so yeah...I'm just SO tired and trying not to fall asleep, again...I get random bouts of "awake" and "sleepy" LOL;;; Right now I'm battling the sleepy...>>;;
But yer, so I guess there's nothing more to say, except BAI. u:
P.S: LOL this is the first entry in FOREVER that I didn't have to private. LOLWAT;;;;;
current mood:  SO TIRED...
current music: Lady GaGa - Beautiful, Dirty Rich
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| Saturday, December 12th, 2009
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4:36 pm - Woot~
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I'm trying to draw....not working. u: I mean, I'm drawing something but, eh...IDFLike it, but I'm trying to FORCE myself to finish it to just fucking finish something already, god. *disgusted in self*
Also, TOKIO HOTEL HAS A NEW ALBUM OUT OMFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG <33333 ...damn straight I DLed it the minute I found out. <.w.;;; *ADDICT*
*sigh* Tomorrow and Monday are off days for Joey, she'll be here all day~ Which means no biking for me, and I can let my injured knees and ankles rest...IDFK if I'll be able to get on the comp, most surely at night when she goes to bed...hmm...I'll try drawing when she's not looking. >w>; *Doesn't like anyone looking at him drawing, lulz.* Especially someone who's SO FUCKING good at art, ugh...<.w.; I'm not even kididng...her arts pwn...it's a bloody tragedy she 1. gave up on them and 2. think they suck. ]: Because I'd kill for talent like hers...<.w.; *sigh*
...eh, off to pick Joey up now. *trudge*
current mood: Tired~
current music: Tokio Hotel - Automatic
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009
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10:48 am - Lulz.
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So, alot's happened since I last posted. Sucks I couldn't post for the past four days...>> But there is some good news. 8,D I now have internetz on myne fone, Adolf. 8,3 Of course it was fucked up the way I was FINALLY allowed to get it. BG STORY TYMZ: So lyk three months ago Joey gotted me a fone, since she works at a T-mobile place and got a good deal. Ever since then I've been begging her to let me get internet on my fone AND I WILL PAY THE EXTRA of the bill. She's always been NO NO NO. Because she says it's "ungrateful" and I should be happy with wot I had. LOLWTF. Of course, that's a fucking lie. The real reason is because she's a power-hungry control freak and she ADORED the idea of me being unable to get what I want through her and having to beg her fruitlessly. C,: So, fast forward to a few days ago and she thought there was some promotion on HER fone (we has different kinds ]8 ) and it was for free 30days of net and unlimited txts. So, of course, she got it, then instantly decided she wanted the net on her fone for always and added it so easily. C,: When I found out, I was like: THAT'S NO FAIR D8 You never even WANTED net, then when you get it, you keep it, but still you will not allow ME to get it when I'M paying the difference for it if I got it? WTFFFF. So she tried to make excuses, as per usual, but eventually my logic beat her down and she caved. C,: Of course my bill was 17 dollars a month. >>;
*cough* Fast forward a bit down the day, and she finds out there was a mistake in the promotion thing and she was NOT getting the "full" netz for 10dollars, so she took it off. Of course, then she wanted to take MINE off. D8 I was like: You touch my net and I'll never talk to you again. DX I mean, god...WTF. So if she doesn't want it, then she thinks she's got the power to take it from me, when I'm paying for my OWN net?? FFFF. WTF. I'm so sick of her power lust. D8 So, anyway, she got mad but didn't dare touch mine, however, she raised my gbill to 20 a month, out of spite. C,: It's like, really? Because you thought you'd get net, then it was fine I got mine and for this price, but when you found out you won't get it (and are too cheap to pay for the more expensive one for yourself) then you want to take it from me? Or at least raise my bill? FFFFF. It was so annoying. That was on Friday, if I remember. >> *thinking* ...Wait, no, Saturday. :'D Friday was a whole other drama. LOL. I swear, it's drama every single day here. C,: I'm not even kididng. D8 Friday's drama compromised me wanting to run away, because I could not take it anymore and needed some alone time and her being obsessional and not letting me even go on a walk on my own. As she never does. D: I swear, since Joey moved in here with me and Ashley, I am NEVER allowed out on my own unless Joey's at wurk. ]8
This is a prison, I swear. :'D
At least one good thing happened on Friday, which was that after the drama we went to watch Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs. XDDD Was an epic movie. ^^ Of course, when we did get home it was more drama. *sigh* So Saturday rolled around, ant the net thing happened. *thinking* And then sunday, my god. :'D Sunday was something...>>: It was semi-fine in the day. We had to go to find this hospital for Joey to get her TB test for her internship at Silent Hill. :'D (Will forever call that place Silent Hilll as the psychos thar are...omg. D: ) So yea, of course, we argued in the morning about random shit. <-__-; She's always threating to leave me behind and go without me, when I fucking wake up early as shit in the morning, in an agony (my stomach's been killing me for the past weeks, IDFK why...) just to go with her to keep her company and look after her, as the bus and these places we go have creepy people that scare her, so I come to protect her, and the most she can do is threat to go without me?? D: It's like: THEN GO. D: Of course, when I'm like, "Fine. I want to go back to the hause and sleep off my pain moar, DX" She will not let me go. C,: It's fucked up, like you have no idea. X,D I mean, she'll physically stop me from going, and unless I do hit her or shove her HARD (which I can't ever bring myself to do...) she will not let go of me. Hell, even if I did hit/shove her, I know her, she'd not stop. :'D;;; The drama would just escalate. ;;;;c,B
Anyways, so after that passed, things were okies, aside from a minor niggle of annoyance when it came to buying lunch and she just picked for herself, did not ask me what I wanted, and decided we'd share it. :'D It's like, thank you for not respecting me enough to even ASK me if I want that. Ugh. <eme; Anyways, after that we got home and she went to studying for her forensic's class test, which is coming this Wednesday. U: So I was doing my own thing. (OH. A mate called me during the whole lunch thing, and Joey, as usual, got pissed that I was talking/paying attention to someone other than her. *le gasp* ) And I was in pain, and some more time passed and she's lyk: Why do you nawt lie down in the room? C,: (Ashley wasn't here, she was at a mate's house.) And I was lyk: "Um...that's okay :'D;;; *senses a trap*" Anyways, eventually she made me go there, and for a few minutes I thought it was okay, that she had to study. Of course, no...She did have to study, but that didn't stop her from molesting me, as per usual. X,D Why she simply cannot understand that I FUCKING DESPISE IT AND HATE THE FEELING IN MY GUTS AND ALL THAT BULLSHIT...I do not know. <.w.;; Of course, there is nothing I can do, aside from what it is I already do...but there's not much you can use to fight in the face of blackmail and emotional manipulation. 3: As per usual, after it, I always feel so disgusted and just wanting to cry and self-harm and DIE. :'D I hate the feeling. I hate it when she molests me. I hate it when it goes worse and she fucking rapes me. I hate it when she pins me and shoves her tongue down my throat. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I disasociate, as I did back in NY during beatings and shit, but it's so hard when the one hurting you so brutally is someone you love with all your heart...
I wish so much to slam her to the wall (as she has done me C,: ) and yell in her face: STOP FUCKING RAPING ME. I'm sick of it. Don't touch me. Get your hands off me. Stop it. Stop it. STOP IT. DX...of course, I cannot...I can simply try in my meek way to get her to back off. I try to run, to hide, to avoid, to squirm away. But it never helps in the end. She gets what she wants in the end, as all rapists do, lulz. And I find it so utterly heartbreaking that she knows my feelings; she knows it's rape; she knows what it does to me...how I'll slip into a quiet angst, how sometime I'll be unable to hold back and will cry, how I'll lash out afterward from the inner anger of it all...and yet...she finds it funny or doesn't care. <.__.> I truely do feel like just an abused little kid who can turn to no one...because Ashley sure isn't a help, little miss "pretend I hear nothing." Little miss, "ignore it and it'll go away." Little miss "Hmm...he's randomly crying out and saying 'PLEASE DON'T' but I guess all is fine. C,:" Because she HAS been here during it, lulz. In the other room, so close...so easy to come and help me. But no. And I know she's heard, and I know she's in denial or just doesn't care. But I'm leaning more toward "doesn't care C,:" Same goes for when Joey's hitting me or shoving me or not allowing me to do as I want...God this is so fucked. Once an abused kid, always an abused kid, I guess. C,:
I sometimes want to tell Joey so much how I despise her, but then love gets in the way, lol. I'll tell her "I hate you" at times...but it's not the same. It's said in anger, not when it counts. And do I hate her? Not fully. I only hate her when she's hurting me...which is often, lol. But even then, I'm often found brushing off the random hurts and pretending all is well. I'm sick of her trying to "get me to like it" too. I DON'T LIKE IT. How many times must I tell her this?? It's like she revels in the fact she can fucking make my body betray me, too...god, I hate that so much...I just want to die when shit happens against my will. It's so cruel...she makes me doubt the very essence of who I am: mentally five and a hater of such things. It's like all rapists...trying to get you to think it's YOUR fault...and though I know that's just another tactic of hers, I can't help but feel so utterly disgusted in myself and wanting to just punish myself. :'D Which brings us to the drama that happened on Sunday night. I was reeling over the assult earlier that day. It was night now, and everyone was preparing for bed except me. I was too busy about to burst from the inner turmoil roiling around in my brain like a hyper hamster on a wheel. :'D And I needed to punish myself...so much. You don't understand...when your own anatomy betrays you, what is there to do? How could she do such a thing, knowing how much it kills me. Ugh. EWORWHROWHR *head slam* So I needed to bleed. I needed to slash my arms, wrists, chest, anything; I needed to remind my body that I fucking own it and it must not do things against MY fuckin will because some filthy rapist knows her shit.
Re-thinking this makes me want to self-harm right this second. LOL X,D;
Anyways, if there's one thing about Joey it's she's perceptive when she wants to be. :'D She'll know something's killing me inside and more so, that I'm going to self-harm or be self-destructive. :'D;;; But what I hate is she knows it, but she doesn't seem to care that she's the cause of it. 8,3 In fact, she gets mad most often, lulz. Or hurt that she doesn't "turn me on" Well you know what, I'm NOT LYK THAT. FUCK. DX I don't fucking like it, and it WILL always be rape, no matter what you force my stupid anatomy to do against my will. HA. Bitch...you will never get your wish where I will be a pervert like you. >> Anyways, first she caught me crying. :'3 Then she nagged the "why" out of me. Then she was saying she'd not do it anymore/etc. But she's only said that about 39473497 more times, and the next day she'll go back to her old ways, lulz. Then IDFRemember what happened, but I know I was just having a mental breakdown and just wanted so much to bleed that night...but she wouldn't let me, so I tried to be sneeky about it. X,D;;; I tried running to the bathroom but she stopped me and that's when the argument turned physical, as it randomly will do often now. She hit me hard in the head. She yanked me, pushed me, threw me to the floor, pinned me, wouldn't let me get up. I had a bit of a panic attack *hates when someone's on top of him like that* and I went ballistic and tried to buck her off. But she had me in a position where it was very hard to use my full strenght, so I couldn't quite shove her off.
Angel, the house puppy, was there and I did what I always did/do when I'm so close to the breaking point. I saught comfort in animals. I was petting Angel and dissassociating and trying to seperate my body from mind, as to not panic more. But Joey wouldn't let me, she shoeved Angel away and said, "No comfort from animals for you!" in a snotty, laughing voice...She laughed at my pain, and kept me pinned, until I snapped and started fighting hard enough to shove her off and I smashed my head to the table from jerking so frantically. Lulz. After that I think she got a bit freaked out at what she did do to me, as I didn't let her touch even my arm or hand and I kept pushing away from her/etc. It was pure drama at its finest, thanks to her. And she kept calling me names and saying "OMG YOU SHOULD LOOK AT YOURSELF. YOU'RE PATHETIC!" lol. Well...you make me pathetic, hunny. <.m.;; Anyways, that night did suck...Of course, somehow, we always make up. Because, she's right, I AM pathetic...pathetic enough to be unable to leave her. Why do I love her so much even though she abuses me in ALL ways? Why...? I like how she's training to be a psychologist, to HELP people in my situation...And yet, she's the one who has her little "kept" boy in the same situation. Because that is wot I feel like, just a kept boy who's here for her satisfactions, and who is "paid" off with gifts or money or a pat on the head.
Lyf truely does suck. :'D
*Sigh* Anyways...at least Monday wasn't so bad at Silent Hill. I kept by the grocery store, and with net on Adolf now, it was not so hard to pass six hours (when his batt died) then there was an hour spent at lunch with Joey, and two hours spent drawing~ Wasn't too bad. And, also, I didn't see "Gawd lurves juu" gai, so I'm thankful for that. <=w=;;; Monday night also wasn't too dramatic, of course there was some drama, as usual, but not as much. Oh, and random thing, Ashley has this muzzle for Angel and wanted to put it on her all the day yesterday. Well, I won't fucking stand by and watch abuse like that, so I fucking stole it, hid it, and threw it out when no one was looking. Hee, Hee cB ///goes to the hell for this. But I won't let Angel suffer. <3 *hugher* After all, I was the one who found her on Craigslist (this classified site) and shit like that...I have the most friendship with her, too...I won't let her get hurt if there is anything I can do to protect her. >> ...I wish someone would protect meee here. :'D *sighsighsigh* Anyways, tomorrow is ASU tym, but before that we must go back to the stupid TB testing facility to see if Joey's infectored. Lulz. God...we must awaken at, lyk, 6am or something to be on time. *HEAD DESK* X,D ROWRHWORHWORWOU...Anyways, yer...We're also getting the bike fixed tomorrow, which means I will be toteing Joey back and forth from work/etc. again. *PREPARES TO BE EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME AGAIN* LOLDIE. X,D
But now that I have net on Adolf, I can more easily keep up talking to mates and all that, so I'm happy. OH, and, lulz, one more random thing: Joey's contemplating moving us out to our own apt. without Ashley, which means we'll not have a fucking computer, which means I won't be able to DRAW. 3: I really hope this doesn't happen, as I need to draaaw...X,D *head slam* I've not produced anything in 6 fucking month, and I only JUST started sketching again. DX I'll be damned if it's taken from me now. >>;;;; *growl*
But yer. Anyways, I'm really sleepy now. D: Maybe I'll take a nap...>> Hmm...*contemplate*
current mood:  Sleepy
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| Thursday, September 17th, 2009
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11:58 am - *Sigh*
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Apperently I look so much like a girl, most people have trouble telling I am not. YAY! C,:....<-__-; I say it, because, and I kidd you nawt, EVERY FUCKING DAY this week, someone has called me a GIRL. *HEAD SLAM* Different fucking people! D8 Different fucking places! D8 WORHWORH ARGH. X,D And it kills me SO much when this happens. God how it kills me...<.m.; Monday morning while waiting outside Joey's internship. Tuesday night at the grocery store. Wednesday afternoon while at some Koreon resturaunt...*sigh* And that's just the incidents THIS week. X,D It seems I get thought of as a girl more often than I get pegged correctly as a BOY. *head smash* I can't take it anymore...This happend in NY too, so it's not just the place. I look at myself hard in the mirror and I THINK I can pick out why people say this, but at other times I cannot. I don't know if it's my low-self-esteem that makes me sometimes think, "Oh, I see why they say this..." and then other times, it's like, "WTF." I know I look young and not lyk a fucking HERCULES-HE-MAN D8 But that does not mean I don't look like a fucking BOY! It's like these people have never seen boys under the age of 15 before. D:
I mean, there's skools right near here, and I see the kids going by all the time and the boys are lyk from 12-15 and look just as masculine as me, if not less for some (prolly the gays, lulz.) But I'm talking obviously straight boys around 14years old or so, who're not fucking He-Men either, but I'm sure they don't get pegged as a girl. And not so OFTEN at least...It kills me. Why do people say this of me? Is it how I act? It never even crossed my mind to think maybe I act feminine, but I really don't think it. I mean, I'm loud, boistrous, goofy, rowdy/etc. I don't know about you, but most girls do NOT act like this. Not trying to strereotype or anything, as most of my friends are girls and they're awesome. x3 But they look like girls, you know. D: Not every female wears a dress, but they'll either have long hair, or tighter clothes, or obviously feminine pants/shirts/etc. Or SOMETHING like that. Me, I am 100% male in my dressings, so that cannot be it. D: Joey's been trying to get me to wear a bit tigher clothes, and I'm even lyk: NO WAIZ. D: So that can't be the factor. Also, most girls are a bit more with their grooming than me, too. LOL. I walk around with mussed hair and dirty fingernails and all that. D: When these people do mistake me, it's either 1. when they hear my voice, because I've been pegged correctly as a boy on looks before, only to speak and have someone go, "Oh, I'm sorry, I meant MISS/etc." <-__-; And, my general looks, ie. my fugly fayce.
There must be SOMETHING I can do to make my face more masculine. >>; The voice I can't do anything about, sadly...3: But at least my fugly fayce...I'm gonna start with chopping my hair off. D8 *has a bit too long hair* And then IDFK...<TT; *sigh* God I hate myself...D: Anyways, on Wednesday at Joey's skool (Arizona State University, otherwise known as ASU) everything was pretty fine, UNTIL that stupid thing happened...We'd went to eat lunch at some Koreon resturuaunt (Was guuuud the Salmon and cheeken Teriyaki x3 But this beef thing called BULGOGI LMAO was gross. D: ) Anyways, all was fine, until we were nearly done and then some stupid old man and his wife, who seemed nice, was asking Joey what he should order. Anyways, all was fine, then we get up to go and he's all lyk: BYE GURLZ. C,: And I'm like: FUCK. X,D I actually said that out loud too. LOL. But yer, it wrecked my day. :'D And Joey, she does not understand...She either thinks it's funny or is like: Don't let it bother you. But that's IMPOSSIBLE. She doesn't understand at all...I'm sure if she had many people telling her she looked like a boy, she'd feel just as shitty. I have low enough self-esteem, and then to get this shit thrown in my fayce so often...
It just really sucks. <;__;> I already feel like such a failure at being a guy...I'm short and poor and hate perverted things and IDFK...I just fail. My voice sucks. My looks suck. Everything about me sucks and screams "FAILURE." And on top of all of it, I cannot even go through a fucking day where I don't have to be told in a not-so-subtle way, "HEY. YOU FAIL SO MUCH AT BEING MALE NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, THAT WE THINK YOU ARE A GURL. 8,3" ...really not something I can keep on dealing with. X,D And what sucks is usually during those times, I am so fucking humiliated that I go silent and cannot say anything back. Sometimes I just wonder if people can see more of myself than I can see, ie. maybe they're right and I do look like a girl...I mean, like I said earlier, depending on my level of self-esteem at the moment, lulz, it can sway in either direction. ie. YES I do look like one in my eyes too, or NO FUCKING WAY WTF. D8 But I know who I am, either way. And I am a boy. D: I mean, WTF, come on. X,D This should not even be a fucking ISSUE in my life. *head slam* I have way too much stress as it is to be having more on such the simpelest of issue. 3X But, at the same time, there is nothing I can do about it...D:
It's not as if I act girly or do girly things. It's not as if I'm wearing a fucking dress or pink or shit like that. It's not as if I have long hair down to my shoulders or something. D: For fuck's sake, my hair's only a TINY BIT past my EYES. That's fucking short still. D: *though he usually wears it shorter* But it's not like I've not been mistaken before, no matter how short my hair is, lulz. So that's not the factor. Joey says it's because maybe my hair's covering my fayce, but that's not it either, because in NY I always wore a HAT. :'D;;; And it exposed my face just fine, and I STILL got called this often. X,D;;; Like I've said, it's just meee...<;__;> I just look too feminine to be a boy in some people's eyes, I guess...Which really DOES SUCK. :'D Especially on something so important to me, ie. being pegged as the correct gender. X,D Maybe I should not care so much, but I can't help it, for it IS a very, very important thing to me. :'D I feel if people think I'm a girl, then I just fail at the essence of what I am: FUCKING MALE OMG. D: How hard is it for people to realize this. X,D *die*
So yeah, yesterday I had a break down from it and went into the bathroom at ASU and self-harmed. :'D;; Joey was just SO pissed at me. X,D And was calling me pathetic and saying no wonder people think I'm a girl when I do not act like a man at all, heh...<.__.; Maybe she's right. D: IDFK. X,D All I know is I needed to fucking bleed or I was going to just cry. :'D; *sigh* Anyways, after that no incidents did happen, except that we missed the correct bus home and almost had to walk six hours back. XD But Joey called her friend Miown and she was nice enough to come rescue us. :'D;; Must be nice to have someone you can rely on in a time like that. X,D As I did tell Joey, "If something like this happened to me in NY, I'd had no one to call. :'D" But yer~ Anyways, Ashley's still silent with us all. D: IDFK why. :'D Joey even wroted her a LETTER saying stuff and asking her to cheer up, and sent it from both of us, and it did not work, no...X,D;; I guess I will have to go into "fake-smile" mode and start talking to Ashley and all that as 1. I need her to pick up a package for me, lulz. And 2. she has a friend whom I'm obsessed with and wanna be friends with too, but to get to her I must go through Ashley. X,D;;;;;;
Speaking of that, on Tuesday that friend of Ashley's, who is named Carly, caught me going to the bus and actually TALKED TO ME a bit!! 8DDDDDDDDDDDDDD I WAS SO HAPPY OMG. X,DDD But so shy and like, stupid. ^^;; I fail I know...:'D IDFK why I'm so shy around Carly, but I am, and she seems very nice and awesome. >w<;; Joey says to beware her though...D: That she's mean deep down and is probably, IDFK, just interested in my mental disorders (D.I.D. lol XD) so is just using me for it or something...but IDFK. What I've personally seen and heard of Carly, is she's nice and okies. U: And Joey does hate her because of the most STUPID reasons, 1. Carly is a girl, and Joey hates all girls ///wtf. And 2. Carly is 14, and Joey does hate all people, especially girls, that are under her age. And 3. Joey knows that I get really hyper and happy whenever Carly is mentioned, as I really wanna be her friend 'cause she's hyper and cool 8D, and thus Joey is jealous of it and will try to say anything to turn me away from wanting to be friends with Carly. FFFFF. D: Which brings up another issue, and how I know deep down Joey's happy that I've been not on speaking terms with Ashley, because if I'm not, then there's no threat of me going to Ashley's Parents' house, and yeah...This sucks. X,D *sigh*
But yer, what else? Oh, we didn't end up biking back from ASU, as Joey decided not to take the bike to be fixed that day, IDFK why. She was busy or something. D: I hope she gets it fixed soon, I'm a fucking fat, lazy pig...X,D I never will lose weight at this rate, and it annoys me when she grabs at my fat and calls me chubby/etc. That's so fucking degrading, lulz. I tell her to stop, but she will not. C: And I miss my control...but at this rate, it seems the only thing that gives me some happiness is stuffing my face with tasty foods, lulz. I'm pathetic, I know. I keep saying, "Next week I'll be better" but it's not happening. And it's just hard not to accept it when she offers me to eat out or get chocolate or ice cream, lulz. D: She's lucky, she's skinny, but me, I'm a pig. C: She was the one who made me relapse into anorexia some months ago, and it was awesome because I was losing weight FAST. But then she was also the one that made me lose my control, lol. It's like, fucking make up your mind: Either I'm fat or thin. Pick one, as I cannot do both. D: And, sadly, it's so much easier to be fat than thin for me, lulz. I wish I was naturally thin like many people, but I am not, I'm naturally a fucking pig...<.__.> And a lifetime of being poor and having horrid eating habits and knowing that, "You must finish all in front of you, or risk not having it when you ARE hungry." As I learnt on the streets of NY, is not helping. :'D
Also, random shit: On wednesday morning I got to hear Joey's mother bash me over the fone, the quote that sticks most in my head. "The way he looks, the way he walks and dresses and acts is a complete turn off. You used to go for such high-quality guys; you and me both know you'd NEVER have picked a guy like him before. You've gone crazy!"....<.__.> I had to do all to not cry. :'D;;; I'm glad I didn't, though, damn that stung. ;;cB Anyways, yer, I have some more things I could wrte about (not really important though) but I'm tired and don't feel like working on this entry anymore, lulz. D:
P.S: I MISS MY HYPER. X,D WHERE HAS IT GONE? :'D;; *hunt under a little rock for it* X,D
current mood:  Tired~
current music: Bloc Party - Talons
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| Monday, January 26th, 2009
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3:33 am - I MUST UPDATE MOAR OFTEN X,D
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Well, IDFK what to say, other than I found out something rather disturbing recently. CC: It's not a happy thing, but I'm not really surprised either, so yeeey...Blargh.
Also, I'm being WIEEERD and not myself lately since a week or so. :'D This isn't going to pass, is it? XD I'm thinking not so quickly, anyway~ Which suuucks...DX *sigh* Anyways~ I crave cookies. WTF. D: I want them so bad...:'D WhiteChocolateMacadamiaNut Cookies...*fuxxing DROOL* Omg...:'D And I got my mate Saphy wanting some too. LOL. X,D WE'RE BOTH SUFFERING NOW! 8,D;;; Awwr but Saphy must go now. D: NUUU! X,D NOW I AM LEFT TO SUFFER MY COOKIEZ MANIA ALONEEE! D:
But Shippy's here! YAY!! WOHRWORHWHRO 8DDDDDDD *HUUUG*
...orhorh you know what I just noticed? That many of my mates have names that start with S. lol XD Saphy, Shippy, Shiro...! SO MANY S! XD ...*just checked his DA* OH SHIT. I think two people (STRANGERS SORTA. LOL D: ) Want to commission me. :'D Friends' of a friend sorta thing. X,D Uuuh...I'M TOO NERVOUS TO OPEN THE NOTES RIGHT NOW! LMAOOO. *FAILS* But yush~ Hopefully they'll want to hire me. O: Assuming they'll like my prices, wtf. 8,D I wish I was like one of my art idols, Khaosdog~ <*w*> She charges 100$ per commission and people ATTACK THEM LIKE HELL. X,D I'd not have any trouble with monies EVER if I was that good and that popular. *FANTAAASY* Well, fat chance that'll ever happen, so I better STFU. C:
What else? My computer's been randomly REFUSING to come on for the past two days. So I suspect it's dieng. ..<.w.;;;
And I'm randomly into watching mass amounts of AMVs again. WTF. NOOOOO!! X,D I spend my time watching them and PROCRASTINATING things. D: I MUST FINISH THESE THINGS BEFORE MY COMP DIES! *dies moar* It sucks the computer's dieing, too, since I've only had it a year and something. <=__=> And it's not OLD at all. D: SO WTF...Not too abused, either, I don't think~ I never dropped it or anything. D8 And then my stupid cousin's comp is, OLD, REFURBISHED and he treats it like SHYTE and yet his NEEEVER breaks or will break. And if it did, doesn't matter, 'cause he'd just be given a new one in a second. <;w;>
Life sucks so bad sometimes. :'D
///whine.
In other news, I must stop some bad habits that are re-gaining control of my lyf. 8D It's just so much easier to say, "Fuck it, I'll quit tomorrow." Then it is to bite the bullet and do it THIS SECOND. Specially when you get hit with the epic desire of it like a kick in the faice. 8D;; And/or especially when it seems like a good option instead of dealing with other things that are so much less appealing...<=__=: *SIGH* The one best advice in the world is never get addicted to ANYTHING. But what sucks is that there are so many things to get addicted to in this world, and some of which you'd not think possible! X,D *DIE* And not cutely addicted either, like, "Oh I'm addicted this song. D:" But seriously addicted, to the point it becomes a problem that threatens to run your life, and that you don't know how to deal with situations without it. <=__=; And I've also learned, that once you're addicted something like that, you can never escape it. :'D
Thaz right! You're stuck in it FOREVER. Oh, you can "recover" with enough struggle, but you will forever be struggling against the wanting of going back to your addiction. LOL. Relapse is epically easy, while staying recovered is so fuxxing hard every single second of every single day...Life's a betch like that. :'D Skrew up just ONE TIME in no matter how long you've been "recovered," and you're down the hole again in no time~ With so much dirt piled on top of you it'll be even harder to claw out the next time. <=__=; If there even is one. O: I am so skrewed...Why did I ever... *grumbles* Well, whatever. 8D This is a public journal, so I won't keep pondering things of this nature~ Maybe...in a few minutes~ *LOLSHOOTED* Did you know that an addictive personality is genetic? O: That's right~ If you're closely related to someone who has an addictive personality, ie. easily addicted to things in a serious way, then you're much more likely to be the same. If that's reality, I'm skrewed. 8,D And I'm pretty much thinking it is. =P *sigh* Well...I guess in the end it's my fault. I'm the one that dug this hole for myself and I'm the one that crawled out, yet then fell back in again and again, and I'm the one who dumped the cement over my head that final time. LOL.
So wtf, no one to blame but me. CC: I'll go back to trying "tomorrow"...lol. Though what is today but yesterday's tomorrow, right? Well...that may be true, but IDFK. <=w=;; I just wish I would've never stepped down this path~ Though it was completely unknowingly, still, that was the worst decision I've ever made. :'D Naive to the full implications of it or not. HAAAA. It really looks like there is no "second chances" in this life! Mother nature's a cruel bitch indeed. :'D Especially when she loves to give you this sudden ego boost of confidence, makes you cocky, think you'll never fall back. Until you DO! XD LOL! If I didn't know better, I'd think it's all done on purpose, really. By who, IDFK. ;;D: It's like luring a Feral cat into a trap with some tuna, he's too confident that he'll be able to escape before that door shuts so he gets closer and closer, but ain't he just SO SO wrong when he takes the bait and the cage snaps shut? It's funny in an ironic way.
Something like: Never believe you are forever free of the cage of your addictions, because you are not, and so easily that door can shut you in again. ESPECIALLY if you got out that first time. Or Second. Or Third... :'D It's easier to fall back in it, harder to claw your way out, and forever more tempting to just give into it forever and not try to get out again. CC: Which is really rather lame. <=w=> Oh and you know wut? O: When it gets to the point that you don't give a fux about ANY consequence, no matter how scary or how much you swore "NEVER AGAIN!" so long as you feed your addiction the next time that desire sparks its ugly fire inside you again, you know you're an utterly lost cause.
Guess wut?
I realize now that I am here. CC:
In happier newz: Spineshank = WIN. I'm currently DLing their discography plz. :'D And this journal turned out not as I planned it to. WTF. ;;;;O: *planned to write something hyper and random. LULZ.* Oh fuxxing well. ='D
current mood:  Hmm...
current music: Spineshank - (Can't Be) Fixed
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| Tuesday, January 13th, 2009
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7:00 pm - ...rowhrowhrh 8DDDD
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JUST GOT BACK FROM EPIC MEETING OF SUPER ATOMIC EPIC WIIIIIIIIN!! WROHWORHWORHWOHR X,D I WAS FAILCAT THOUGH, OMG. D,: WTF. D,: ...WOHRWOHRWOHOWRH I MISS OUTKASTY SO FOOKING MUUUUUCH. I GOTTED ALL SAD AFTER OUR PARTING X''D *HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG* And...omfgggg...Outkasty and Mary are NICE, omfggggggggggg. <.___.;;;
DOOD I WISH THEY COULD ADOPT ME. *CLIIIING* X,DDDDDDD
I'm really dissapointend in myself, though, for not being as hyper/bubbly/talkative as I reeeeally wished to be. ><;;; And for being FAILURE at tour-guideing. D: But my brain DIED of nervous, I couldn't even remember WTF an avenue was, LOLWUT...*DIES* And I lefted my paaaper at home with the addresses and my keys OMGWTF. X,D *cry* But I will say I was trying my absolute best... It was just really, really hard for me, as I have no social skill and such. xD;;; But I hope I did a little okay? I don't think so...And I don't think I could really convey my feeling that I was just SO HAPPY to be meeting one of my ULTIMATE BEST FRIENDS EVAR 8D!! So I'm very sad about that. <;___;>
Seeeee, I wanted to be like: OMG 8D WOHRWOHRWOHROH! *BOUNCE* But in reality I was: <.__.;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; *silent and lagging behind* D: X,D;;;;;;;;;; But, huh, you know, this will forever be in my memory as a very happy and EPIC time of WIN. <3 I was so scared out of my mind at first though, LOL. Like, "OMFGGGGGGGGGGG OWHROWHRWOHRWOHR *FAINT*" Specially walking up to the hotel, WTF. I kept screaming things randomly. D: And listening BOUNCE! By SoaD didn't help to calm me down, LMAO. X,D But I like it. >>;
"BOUNCEpogopogopogopogopogoJUMPpogopogopogopogopogoDOWNpogopogopogopogopogoUPpogopogopogopogopogopogoBOUNE! JUMP! BOUNCE!" LOLLLLLLL ;;;D: ////addicted.
WHROWRHOWHR BUT I DIGRESS. 8D I must write up my feelings and then I'm going to tag this as a "Memory" entry and I will look back on this for the rest of my lyf as something GREAT. ^^ This was so awesome though, aside from massive awkwardness on my part. X,D;;;;;;;; And as I sat in the hotel waiting for Outkasty, I thought this girl on the far computer was her. LOLWTF. D: I was contemplatning asking. X,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,D Which I am just SO GLAD I didn't, because WTF it wasn't her. X,D *DIES* I'm really, REALLY bad at recognizing people since having multiple head injuries that have skrewed with my thought process. So I'm kinda...uhhh D: *can't pick anyone out from anywhere* D: I can't even pick myself out in a crowd, seriously. O: I'll have to take some time and think. LOL. But usually I just look for the fugliest guy there and thaz me. X,D *FAIL* BUT ANYWAY D8 When I first sawed Outkasty I went, OMFGGGGGGGGGGGG X,D I remember trying to hide behind the GIANT FUXXING CERAMIC CHICKEN D8< Yeah, you heard me. O: Giant fuxxing ceramic chikun, wut. 8D
...lol that chicken. D: Outkasty will forever remember me as interweb boi that gifted her a giant fuxxing chicken. 8D *dance* XD
But yes, this day was really epic for both of us I think? Because Outkasty had her 21st. ^^ HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAY TO HER AGAIN! 8DDD *HUG* And I got my first interaction with a friend EVAR. 8DDD So this day will go down in HISTORY. >W< I wish it could’ve lasted forever. :’D ...rowhwohr and I just want to thank Mary so much for the subway thing. <;__________;> OMGGGG....<;__________________;> *was so unworthy of the concern but so grrrreatful* And I want to thank Outkasty sooooooo much for dealing with my LOLWTFOOK awkwardness and just being awesome and WORHWOHRWOHR . *HUUG* <;w;> The only regrets I had, as I said, was how I didn’t act the way I wished I could have and that I felt like maybe I was seeming cold/rude or something? <.__.;;; BUT HEY. <OWO> There is always the next time!! 8DDD And I hope to meet her again one day~ ^^ And who knows, maybe miracles can happen and someday I can visit her! >8D Hehehehe...<^w^> Let’s seee....We went Central PAAAARK. 8DDD DOOD. THE LAKE WAS FROZEN WTF. D: *HAS NEVER SEEN IT FROZEN BEFORE* ...LOL I was like a tourist, myself. XD Because I saw a lot of things I never did. <O__o> Like a huge hawk on a tree, WTF. WIN. 8D And pretty Cardinals! <3 We also went Sachs 5th Avenue for some SCARY THINGS. DDDDDDDDDDD: *LOLDIE* XDDDD And I made weird poses like the black statues that model the scary things. O’: LOLWUT. By then I was feeling a little less nervous~ X,DOH AND LMAO I KEPT HARASSING THE FAKE FIREPLACE IN THE HOTEL LOBBY, LOLWUT. D: *Wierdo* XDD That was my favorite part of the day~ Sitting there with Outkasty, because I felt like I could make up a little for being so silent in Central Park. X,D And I got to spend some one-on-one time with her, which I valued very, very much, like OMG. 8'D Even though I was mainly silent. X,D AND LOL FOR RANDOM PHOTOS WITH MY BUBONIC PLAGUED UGLY IN IT, WHICH WILL MELT HER CAMERA. D: I need to see them and spam people with them. 8'D *must ask Outkasty for them when she gets back to her home* >w< And, huh, well, yes. :’D As is quite obvious, I’ve been totally dieing of NERVOUSNESS ever since I was told that she’d be coming NY. XD And the final days going up to today were pure nervous tension of MASSIVENESSSSS...I swear I lost hair from this. LOL. And I couldn’t sleep the final two days and WROHWORHWOHRW...But I’m so glad I got to meet her and her grandma, because this will forever be one of Darkside’s precious memories. ^^ And he doesn’t have many of those, lol. D: It’s just epic. And I think it fits well, since come February it’s officially five years I’ve had Outkasty as a friend. That is really a lot and really epic, I think. 8D It was like anniversary marker. 8D And god damn it, here’s to five moar years! >w< And then five moar after that, and moar and moar, until we are wrinkled old sausages of 192 LMAO. X,D But still friends. >W< *HUGHER* ...worhwrhow Oh randomly reminded of something~ However, when we were in Sachs and going in the elevator, I got a few dizzy spells and I thought I was going to pass out. D: *LOLOMG* IDFK if it was just the elevator *usually never uses those, so the weight shifts were hard on me* Or if it was lacking sleep and such~ But I was thinking, "H’oh sheet, I hope I don’t pass out X,D LOLWTF." But nothing happened and I was fine, so yay! 8D *Keeps remembering things randomly XD* And you want to know something EPIC, people? O: Finally being on the same side of the computer while your long-time online friend is actuallyONLINE. 8D LOL I WAS LIKE, "OMFGGGGG!!" XDDDDDD That was so surreal. O: *spazz* AND THAT SHE PASSED MY PREVIOUS JOURNAL WHERE I’M DIEING OF NERVES RIGHT BEFORE I LEAVE. LMAOOOOOOOO!! THAT WAS EPIC OVER 9000 TIMES! X,DDDDDDDD ....eaedgdghshsohfohrhow. So yes. 8D I’m tireeeed now though. *yawn* <=O=> I haven’t slept in two days~ But I don’t wanna go to bed yet. D8 I want to finish this and then spam people with my happy. X,D BAHAHA. LOL. I have a blister on my foot. D: *lolrandom* It huuuurts. >>; But it’s been there since a few days, and I fear popping itttttt. X,D Oh, you know wut? O: Iz like ROWHROWHRH reading things online now from Outkasty and knowing that I actually meeted her. 8D It’s like, OMGGGGG I MET JUU IN RL! *POINT MANICALLY AT TEXT* >8U So thaz epic. <o__________________o> Can’t say that about anyone else I know! >w< ...rohwrohwwrohwrohwhr. Though I hope to meet all my close friends someday! <OwO> Hopefully by then I’ll actually have social skill lol. D: ...and we’ll see if I actually make it to Arizona come the end of March. X,D That’ll be anotehr epic thing, wtf. D: I bet I’ll get lost on the buuuussss...X,D ...orhwohrwhr *yawn* So sleepy. <=O=> But nu, MUST STAY UP AND FINISH THIS!! 8D And hopefully talk with Saphy and some others, who helped me SO MUCH during all my nervous whining of, "I can’t breathe...I CAN’T BREEEEATHE!! WORHWOHRWOHR *SPAZZ*" Really helped me a lot. <@w@> ...SO YES. I know I must be forgetting some things due to nervous after-math, lol. D: I’M GETTING TRAIN OF THOUGHT: ....HUGZORS, FROZEN LAKE, STARBUCKZ HOT CHOCO AND PASTRY OF WIN *hugs Outkasty again X,D*, GIANT CHURCH, COMMISSSSION. <3 <3 <3 ANDANDAND overall happiness. :3 So I think that is all I have to say on this for now. Yup~ <OwO> It was an experiance, and not only that, but a very good one, I think. ^^ Even if I was awkward and weird. D: So yesh! WOOOOOOOOOO. 8D Now I go get a nice dinner thanks to a certain someone thinking my arts are worthy. <;___________________;> *HUG*
current mood:  BOUNCE!POGOPOGOPOGO! XDD
current music: System Of A Down - Deer Dance
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7:00 am - <;___;>
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I step out now to do the hardest thing I have EVER done in my entire life so far. Seriously. OMFG.
<o______________________________________o;
current mood:  FREAKING OUT X,D
current music: NOTHING TOO NERVOUS WTF D:
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| Monday, January 12th, 2009
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5:04 am - Remember:
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Betrayal can always be just around the corner...
Watch your backs, people, because no one else will.
...I've learned this the hard way. 3:
current mood:  *Hurt* <.__.>
current music: Ando Yuko - Life
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| Friday, January 9th, 2009
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5:15 am - Schrei! O:
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FIRST LJ POST OF THE YEAR. LULZ. 8DDD
...there is not much I wish to report to the public. D: Except that I've been spiraling down into my tomb faster and faster each day. And I fucking like it. C: I just wish it'd happen sooner and I wouldn't keep fucking up and climbing back out the hole on ocassion. D: *LOLWUT* Anyways~ DOING COLLAB. O: My colors/BG, my friend's lines. x3 Coming along nicely. 8D Their lines + my colors = 8DDD. I think we make a good team. <Owo;; Though I will say I used another coloring style other than my "usual" as it fit more with their style of lines. >w< *cough* Aside from that, I work on my own shyte, of course, blaaargh...My gutz hurt. D:
AND I LUFF SYSTEM OF A DOWN! XD
BOUNCEpogopogopogopogoJUMPpogopogopogopogopogo!!!
xDDD Thanks to my dear friend Saphy for addicting me to this band. D: I knew of them for many years, but I never really listened thair songs, except, like, "Sugar" WHICH IS LIKE MY THEME SONG, LMAO~ SUGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! OWHRWOHRWOHR! >W< And, "Toxicity" and stuff~ But now I've really gotten into them moar thanks to my dear friend, so YAY! *hugher* ....wrohworh BOUNCEEEEEEEEEE! XDDD *bounce around in RL to eeet* But, anyways...D: Looks like Santa Claus did NOT bring me art skill or speed. X,D BASTAAAARD. *shakefist*
...worhworhwr in other news, I have a new knife, it is foldable and has a black blade. 8D Do not ask me how I gotted it, or I will have to use it on you. XDDDD Unless you're a close friend. O: I LUFF MY KNIFE. XD I named it, like the fuxxing Samurai named their swords, lmaoooo. D: So, I would like ya'll to meet, "Unendlichkeit" 8D Means "Infinity" in German, or so I'm led to believe. >>; SAY HALLO UNEN! *for short XD*
Unen: O: ...hallo. *SLICE* 8D
...wohworhwhr I'm making/drawing up a character for him. LOLWTFUX. : |
Unen: Holy shit. O:
By the waaaay, I AM STILL STEADFAST ON LEARNING DEUTSCH! >w< I kinda slacked on my lessons today. X,D But hey, I have so long as I'm alive to learn it, so what's the rush? O: So long as I keep studying it at a good pace. CC: I'm currently DLing some moar audio lessons~ Primsleur. O: Best course, ya know! COST 800$ FUXXING DOLLARS IN STOREs. YEAH. YOU HEARD ME. EIGHT. HUNDRED. FUXXING. DOLLARS.
I get it free plz. 8D *LOLJACKSPARROW*
XD So yes...D: Then I also have another audio course which I must get back to listening. >>; Annnd, gotta read some e-books I DLed and a whole bunch of shyte. XD OWHOWHROHWR I WILL LEARN THIS! >W< *determined*
...SCHREIIIII!! X,D NEIN!....NEIN!!!.......NEEEEEEEEEEIN. D:
...RHWORHOWHR lol I love this fucking song. :| SIEG HEIL TOKIO HOTEL!! XD (Especially before Bill's voice got deep, lolwut. D: I actually relate him moar when he's got a kid's voice, since, lol, it match mine. X,D ) And I've been screaming, "Nein" randomly in the street, 'cause I luff the sound of it. LOLWUT. D: *point pigeon* NEIN!! *point old lady* NEEEEEEEEEIN! *point car* NEINNEINNEIN!!!"
Everything: WTFFFFFFFFF D8
Me: SCHREI!!! >8O
But yes. German is the best language in the universe. 8D *luff the sound of it* Ah...~ *happy sigh* One day before I die I will speak it. <*w*> GERMAN IS THE LANGUAGE OF POWER, don't you know? >D Hehehehe this thought makes me a happy kitty, that I will someday speak German. ^^ And not just random words or phrase, either. I mean REALLY talk it. :3
But yesh, anyway~ Mmm...a friend broke a promise to me today...eeeh. :\ But yer...Oh well. Anyways...I think maybe one of my New Year's goals which I thought up just now *Skrew that it's way passed New Years XD* is to learn to draw in real-media. O: Well, you know, with what I have. D: Which is, like, cheap stolen pencil and newspaper, LMAO. But if you've really got talent, you can scratch a decent drawing out of anythiiiing~ Not that I have talent. O: I doubt I'll take real-media as seriously as I do digital *LOLWTF barely takes digital serious, too* though. D: Not unless I get more confidence to do anything other than random scribbles or doodles, lol. D:
Problem with real-media is NO UNDO BUTTON. D: lolwtf. X,D Iz hard. D: BUT ANYWAY. BORING TOPIC IZ BORING. D=
...eohrowhr I'm so extremely tired and my gutz hurt. It's already fifteen past 5am. I go bed now. <V_V> *too tired to even finish this entry*
*slink off*
current mood: NEIN! D8
current music: Tokio Hotel - Schrei
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| Monday, December 22nd, 2008
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11:51 pm - Bah. D:
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I dunno...I feel as if I should post something today before it ends. :\
Blah.
Thar. :|
current mood:  Blaah...
current music: Pink - Long Way To Happy
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2:22 am - WOHEAWORWOAHRWO
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EPICALLY AWESOME AUDIOCLIP CONVO WITH MY GRRRREAT FRIEND JOEY-CHAN WAS EPICALLY AWESOOOOOOOOOME!! EIOHWERIHWRHWOIRWIHR 8DDDDDDDDDDDD *HAAAAAAAAAPPY*
THAT IS ALL. 8DDDDDDD
current mood: YAAAAAY!
current music: Joy Division - Atmosphere
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| Saturday, December 20th, 2008
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5:27 pm - And then suddenly...POLICE BRUTALITTTTTTYY!! D:
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LMAO NOT REALLY. D: Well, not right now, anyway, lulz. xD Looks like I slacked on my "updating more than once a week" thing. D: NEXT WEEK WILL BE DIFFERENT! *determined pose* I hope so, anyway. >>; It's so cooold, fomg. D: I heard it's gonna be 19 at night sometime soon. X,D YEEEEY. *DIE* Anyways...OH MAH GAWD. *look TV* They're putting a snowstorm warning on the TV, LMAOOOO. Well, huh, hopefully the snow will actually STAY this time. D: As last night's snow is all dirty and disgusting now. <TwT; *didn't get a chance to play in it* D:!!! TRAGEDY!!!!1oneoenoen!11 For some reason I thought, "PANCAEK" right nyo. O: *cough* So I've still been epically slaaacking on drawing, omg. DX It's not really slacking, as I've tried to draw, but I think I've got art block. 83;;;; BAH. XD
In other news, my milk crate chair STILL hurts my arse. XDDD;; And I'm on an epic webcam kick thanks to Mati. :'D;;;; I LYKZ 2 HYDE BEEHYND MEH DVL MAAAAZZZK. LULZ. xDDDDD It's fun. 8D Even if that fooking mask burns my nose. >>;; HOT, HOT PLASTIC. XDDD *DIE* Anyways, now we go a leeetle serious for a moment. <OwO;; Have you ever done something you totally regret? 8D I HAVE! Many, many times. D: But most recently, epicaaaally so. <@@; And the bad thing about regret is that YOU CAN DO NOOOOTHING ABOUT IT. X,,,,,,,,,,,,,,D No matter what, once something has come to pass there is no way you can take it back. LULZ, unless someone has time machine they're willing to rent me? 8DDDD I'LL PAY YOU IN LINTBALLS! *SPINAROUND* But yes, the moral of this story is to think very well about what you do before you do it, OR, if you can't think about them beforehand due to whatever reason, ie. the situation isn't under your control, do whatever it is you can to run lyk hell. X,D Darkside wishes he was the type who got over regrets easily, too, but, sadly, he is not. D: *OMGTHISGONNABOTHERMEFOREVER* X,D
Enough of this. <UU;
Today's odd craving izzz: Mongolion Meatballs! 8DDDDDDDDDDD~~~~~~~~~~~~ Or dumplings. <@@>
By the waaay, I think I have Rhumatism in my bad knee. D: As it always hurts like hell during bad weather, like, before a storm of any kind. LMAO. LIFE SUCKS! 8D But what else is new, right? =P Umhumhumhum...I'M ADDICTED TO THE BLOC PARTY. THIS BAND IS EPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!! OEWHOWHRWOHRWOHR *SPAZZAROUND* .......*SING* "My Mercu-Mercu-Mercury's in retrograaaaade~ *singsing* XD Itz got such a catchy beat! <OWO> And thaz not all, most of their song on their latest album are EPIC WIN! Talons, Signs, Better Than Heaven, and Mercury! To name a few. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! EOHWROWHWOHR *HYPEEER* Of course I'm still on my Tokio Hotel and Miyavi-Sama kick, as well. X,DDD SO MUCH MUSIC, SO LITTLE TYM! D: *wish to have 348937437pairs of ears* XDDD "And all that I could say was HEY, was HEY, was HEY, was HEEEEY~" *bounce around*
I specifically remember them having a "THE" before their name, though. XD LULZ. They dropped the "THE" and now they're better. 8D *knew them from the start* Couple years ago, I think. O: BUT ENOUGH OF THIS! D8< *banish it to a corner for awhile* XD LULZ. For anyone that's seen me on cam recently *LOLHIDINGBEHiNDMEDEVILMASKOFCOURSE* whenever you've seen me dancing around, it's to the Bloc Party. D: I know I danced around alot with Joey-chan. X,D *EPICCLING*. And Maaati~! (YOU DON'T EVEN READ THIS I BET, LOL. WHAT'S UP, ICKLE BROTHER? =P )
Lulz, a house kaploded on TV. :| BOOMBOOMPLZ. 8D
Wozah, you know, I can't believe it's almost Christmas. DDDDDDDDDD: Time flew byyyyy~ But it's best for me, because the sooner we're over with family Holidays, the better. X,D *sobs in corner* Lulz, I tried to save up for presents for my close friends but all I managed was one dollar. :| Seriously, I've not spent any monies since I came back, nor been able to get any. D: I think it's the fooking recession thing...>>: Makes wurk very....unfruitful. <=__=;; I wish Santa would bring me art skills and speed this year. 8D And by speed, I do not mean the drug, LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I mean the speed to draw quickly and wellfully *LOLMYNEOWNWURDTRADEMAARKED.* 8D Bumbumbumbdabeedopeeedoeeee...I SPUN A LEEK FOR EIGHT HOURS. *have screenshot to prove it* XDD That was epic. By the end of that, the wierd song in the devil's tongue AKA Finnish (LMAOOO) was telling me to eat my daughter. :| *DOESN'T HAVE ONE* XDDD And it told my good friend Saphy to climb a mountain, if I remember right. LOL. I HAVE THE MP3 OF THE SONG THANKS TO SAPHY! 8DDD *SPAZZAROUND*
And the English lyrics...Oddly enough, they're singing about someone's daughter. :| So now I know where my freakeh subliminal message came from. D8
Oh, and my kitten Edward is going to have multi-colored eyes!! <*____________________*> WOHEWOHEWOHEHW SO AWESOOOOOOOME!! *ALWAYS WANTED A KITTY WITH MULTI-COLORED EYEEEES* >W< So far it looks like one will be blue and one will be green, but he's still too young to tell. D: They might change to the same color. <TwT> Ahhhh, I'll still luff him anyway. >W< *huggleEdwardkitty* AND LOL SPEAKING OF THAT. I finally finished New Moon! LMAOOO. D: The very end was lame, that crackhead Stephanie Myer should've just let it end at the good part, with the Voltari or however you spell it... >>;;;; *LOL REMIND ME OF VOLTRON. XD* But most of the book was okies. 8D Much better than the first, at least. But the third...*DIES* It seems like it's gonna be as lame as the first. <=__=;; But I've invested too much time in this stupid series, so I must FINISH. DX *Bash head* I've not started on Eclipse yet, but I will soon. ITZ SO BIG FOMG. But not as big as Breaking Dawn...WTF. MONSTA' BOOK OF DOOM! I bet you could KILL SOMEONE with it if you tried. 8DDD That gives it some merit, at least! XD And after that, I'm off to Brisinger~ I've been wanting to read that ever since I finished Eldest! XD *read the first two years ago* I kinda don't...remember...what...happened in the first two, now, though...*DIES* XD; But I remember a dragon named Saphira. 8D
Anyways, my head's killing me. <@__@> And I'm all dizzzzy~ *spin around on his chair* Wooooooooooo~~~~ But I've switched songs now, and I'm re-hyper anyway. :| *FLAIL AROUND* I need to finish listening the rest of Bloc Party's album, but I got addicted to these songs and I've been unwilling to break from hearing them REPEATEDLY. 8DD *LOLFUXXINGAUTISTIC* XDDDDDDD Rooooah, my gutz growl. x3;;;; *GROWL BACK * D8< STFU. XDDD
Gutz: RAAAAAAAWR!!
Darkside: FOMG D: *PUNCH*....WAIT NO--OWWWW XD *DIES*
xDDDDDD Anyways, yesh~ Not much did I do this week. :| Just hang around on MSN, mainly, and then go out at night to do...uh...things that will not be spoken of in public. 8,D;;; And then, that's pretty much it. :| Then I drop dead in bed and wake up after 5hours and repeat the cycle. XDD But itz winter and freezing, WTF am I supposed to do? D: OH. But on Thursday I went up to Central Park at 5am for the fook of it. O: *INSANE* I went into these Rite-Aids *lolstorechain* that were open 24hours and got chased around by security as my grubby paws touched things I could never buy. 8DD LMAO. And I lingered in the cookie isle. XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD And then...
OMG I MUST SAY! Okay, there was this beyotch as the guard in one of the stores, and she kept eyeing me and following me around. (EVERYBODY DOES THIS WHEN I GO IN ANY STORE!?! WHY!?!?! DDDDDDDDDD: Doood, do I LOOK like I'm gonna SHOPLIFT!? THAT MUCH!? Reallly now? *LOLDUNWANNAKNOWXD* ) But anyways, I'm used to it by now, but it still piss me off and/or hurt my feeling sometimes. D: *cough* This time I was feeling mischivious though. >w< So I kept going around to the faaar back isles and making the guard follow me around, LMAOOO. And she was trying hard to be "inconspicious" but she failed. :| Anyways, when I got to the back isle, there was a monitor there to show everyone that they're on camera, lulz. So I flipped it off. 8DDDDD *BASTAAAARD* XDDD And I was talking to myself purposelly so the guard would hear, I went: "I wish them fuxxing idiots would stop following me. Because if they don't, maybe I'll have to take out the GUUUUNZ." XDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!! And guess wut?
She stopped following me plz. :|
LMAOOOO. *DIE* But, anyways, when I was ready to leave, I saw her in the front counter pretending like she was just a buyer, picking up a candybar to buy. LOL. Like she hoped I didn't notice she's a security guard and if I were to shoot up the place, I would spare her. LMAOOOO. Fat chance. D8< *cough* But I actually had no gun, doi. XD But yes, very funny. x3 It's funny because people in stores like that will always chase me and then fear me, too, LMAO. Iz funnny and depressing at the same time. :'D
Oooooh, my leg hurts. <;w;> And I'm feeling kinda sick right now *lolstarving* so I will end this. <OWO> Hopefully I'll finally update this more often. D8 *makes a goal of it* BecauseBecauseBecause...I LYKKKK MAH ELLJAY. YUSH I DO! XD
YEEEEY SOMEONE TO WHINE TO THAT I CAN'T ANNOY~~! :'D
current mood: Headached. D:
current music: Bloc Party - Better Than Heaven
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| Saturday, December 13th, 2008
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5:04 pm - Random Shyte. O:
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Dood, I need to write moar than one entry a week plz. 8D But...NOTHING HAPPENED THIS WEEK. D: Well, no, that’s not true. XD *lol just don’t remember well XD* Well, huh, for one thing I’M SPAZZING over Tokio Hotel. :| And over Miyavi-Sama agaaaaaaaaaain!! OMFGGGGG!! <*________*!!!!! I’ve Dled all Miyavi’s new songs that I didn’t have since I last checked up on him. DOOOOD...I LUFF HIS NEW STYLE SO MUCH! *spazz around DAAAAANCE* He’s so cool, fomg. >w< If it wasn’t for Youtube being a retard, I’d be watching his videos right now. D8 As for Tokio Hotel, I’m spazzing over them too~ XD It’s a good balance, because most of Tokio Hotel’s songs are more gloomy/etc. Where most of Miyavi-sama’s are BOUUUUUNCY~ 8DDDDDDD YAYAAYAYAYA!! OHWAROAWHROWHR *SPIN AROUND AND SMACK INTO THE WALL* SO THE DEPRESSION IS BALANCED BY HYPER~ xDDDDDDDDD
*Cough* In other news, I fuxxing crave steak and mashed potatos. :| *doesn’t even LIKE steak that much but is dieing for it right nyo* Lulz. D: Oh well, MUST STOP THINKING OF FOODZ :’D This will get me no where. X,D Let’s see, what happened since I posted my last entry? OH. Yes. I think my comp’s dieing. :| Because it randomly freezes and then shuts off...And now it’s just SHUTTING OFF RANDOMLY FOR NO REASON AND WITHOUT WARNING DDDDDDD: *fearful to draw because of it XD* I was looking up answers, and I think it might be an overheating problem? HOPEFULLY. Because if THAT is the problem only, then I can maybe fix it. 8D I just need to buy a can of compressed air to blast the dirt/dust off the fans. 8D That or a small handvac~
Now all I need is money and I’ll be fine...*HAVE NO MONIES* FOMG. D,:
I hope I can get it in time before the overheating problem melts my comp’s insides. <UU; Then I’ll have muuuuch worse problems on these paws, I’ll tell ya. D: AND I DUN WANNA LEEEEAVE!! I just came back, damn it. <TwT> But, anyways, enough of this. D: I’ve been totally addicted to MSN since I’ve been back. XD I’ll be on there so many hours, fomg. D: *NEGLECTING ALL FOR IT* XDDDDDD But it’s worth it, damn it. >w<
Anyways, it’s been super cold here, FOMG. D8 Like, epically cold. <@@> And two days ago it raaaaained like hell ALLLL day. =,D AND ONE THING I MUST SAY, IS MY CHAIR IS MADE OF FAIL AND HURTS MY ARSE. *deflaaated* DDDDDDDDDDD: *DIE* LMAOOOO. XD It’s not even a chair plz. :| It’s a milk crate. ;;;;;D: Oh well. XD; I need to hurry up and get to posting up the rest of my old pics, so I’ll feel obligated to draw NEW ONES. *lazy like that* I don’t post them all at once, because the process...It’s too...TIME CONSUMING. DDDD8 DA really needs to find a way to post quicker, or something. >>; Eeeeeh, I’m doing my watchers a favor, anyway. X,D Too much of Darkside’s fugly arts in one go = MASSIVE BLINDNESS. And then they’ll sue me and I can’t afford LOLOPTICALSURGERY for everyone. :|
OMGTFUXBURRITO. *random craving*
I get weird cravings when I’m lacking in the eating dept., yes I do. 8D Last night I was talking to my good friend Saphy and I started craving MINTS. LOLWTF. I fuxxing hate mints. D: It’s funny and weird. O: And it doesn’t help that there’s a Chinease fast-food place DIRECTLY across the street from my window, lulz. Mmmm...Sesame Chicken....*drools* Mmmm...Sweet & Sour chickeeeeen...*drools moar* Mmmmm....boneless ribtips....*DIES OF DROOL* X,D OWHRAOWRHWHR I MUST STOP THIS. :|
Today is my grandmother’s birthday. O: She is 82 years old~ And the first thing she did today was throw a can of rose scented air freshner IN MY FAAAAAICE. 8,DDDDDDDDDDD *DIE* XD I fuxxing hate rose scented anything. DX *burns all the roses* And my stupid fat pig of a cousin LOVES ROSE SCENTED SPRAY. :| He sprays it like it’s AIR. OMG. He’s a fuxxing faggot, plz. D: I wish he’d die for my Christmas present, LULZ. Anyways, my feetz...THEY ARE COLD. O: And I want to go on webcam with somebody and hide behind my devil mask. =,D I need to take a photo soon~ xD
GO MIYAVI GO! *RANDOM SPAZZING* GOOOOOOOOOOO~ THIS SOOOOOOOONG......FOMGGGG...ALL OF THEM ARE WIN. <@_______________@> WOHROWHROWHR. YAYAYAYAYAY!! I MUST FIND TRANSLATION. 8DDDDD
IN OTHER NEWS *straightens the papers* << >> What else happened? D: Uh...well, OH. I went to SouthStreet Seaport *lulzhaven’tbeentheresincesummer* last night for the fook of it. :| That’s right, at 4am when no one else was on MSN, I decided to go out in the 20 degree weather, with some snowing, and tramp four hours to the seaport for no reason. 8D *INSANE* But they have this HUUUGE CHRISTMAS TREE THAR. 8DD *did not know* So that was a happy surprise. ^^ I MUST TAKE PHOTOS OF IT. D: I tried, but my cam’s battery died. :,D lolbaaadluck. So I need to do a recharge. >>; *doing it now* Maybe I’ll go there again today, or maybe not...It’s really cold again. D: Usually, though, it feels like the later months of the year drag by slooooow...Maybe it’s the cold or something? But for me it’s feeling like they’s flying by...~ <*w*> Well, huh, maybe there’s some reasons for it, seeing as I was out of commission until recently, lulz. XD I dunno. D: Either way, I’m looking forward to WARM DAYS AGAIN. >W<
Lol we still must get through the DEAD OF WINTER first, though. D: *NOTEVENTHARYET*
I should write up my letter to Santa soon. 8D YES I WRITE TO SANTA. >w< He never listens, though. D,: I’ve asked him for the same thing every year, and I’m still waiting. =P Wanna know what it is? It’s cheesy. D: *wishes for a family who loves him* :\ I’ve been asking the same thing since I could hold a pencil, lulz. No toys, no games, just a family plz. *LOSER* OH WELL. 8D *STFU* Anyways, I’m running out of stuff to say. D: So I think I’ll end this.
OH. I ALMOST FORGOT! 8DDD Here’s some pics of my new kittens, Edward and Alice. <3 <3 <3 *huuuuuuuug* Specifically for you, Fire, do I post these right now. >W< *HUG* I HOPE YOU LIKE THEM FIRE! 8DDD MEET DARKSIDE’S NEWEST KITTIES! ^^
( SAY HELLO TO EDWARD AND ALICE 8DDD )
DOOD...LJ really fucked up it's "cut" thing...D: It's harder not to fuck up, now. X,D *took him awhile to get it working* ANYWAYS. THERE BE THE KITTEHS. 8D *CLIIIIIIIIIING TO THEM* I must get MOAR pictor soon. >w< And so ends Darkside's entry, for now. 8D He will try to update more often, because he likes doing it. =P
Hmmm....<< >> *goes off in search of Miyavi music videos* <OwO>
current mood:  FOODZ~ *WIERD CRAVINGZ* XDDD
current music: Miyavi - KAVKI BOIZ
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| Saturday, December 6th, 2008
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8:20 am - Been awhile. O:
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So it's been awhile since I updated. D: I missed LJ! x3 But I don't have much to say right nyo. D: Except that it's COOOOLD!! XD *die* And sitting near the open window dun help. D,: Stupid wifi. >___>; OOOH!! AND I GOT MY SOOONG. 8DDDD I was looking for Jesus (LOL JEEBUS XD) by Gackt. <OWO> And THANKS SO MUCH TO OUTKAAAASTY!!! ^^ *FIERCE CLING* Giving me a link to the BEST. SITE. EVAR. <O___O> I now have the soooong! 8DDDDDDDD *REPLAY IT MADLY* x3 And thank you so much to Joey-chan for introuducing me to this song in the first place!! *HUUUUG* <^w^> Dood, the weather guy says it's gonna snow tomorrow. O: *die* OH AND I AM MISSING THE CARTOONS!! DDD: *race to switch the channel* x3 YEEEEEEAH! <*w*>
In other news, I have two new kittens. 8D *found them last night* They're about 2month old and EPICALLY ADORABLE. <;-;> I must take pictors and post sometime. 8D <3 <3 <3 Anyways, I'M KINDA BEING A 'TARD WITH THE WHOLE TWILIGHT SHYTE, so I named them Edward and Alice. XDDDDDDDD *LOLFAIL* But never Bella! NEVEEER. She's so annoying, fomg. D: I always liked the name Edward,though, and the chara Edward is okies. XD Bella kinda turned him into wuss though. X,D BUT ALICE! <3 <3 <3 *CRUSH* The actress who plays her is EPICALLY CUTE OMFGGGG. *SPAZZED IN RL WHEN HE SAW HER* XDDDD;;; I'm made of fail, I know. D,: OH AND VAMPIRES DUN SPARKLE. D: Just your friendly FYI from your resident NaziVampireKittehBoy. 8D Stephanie Myer was on crack when she wrote them, I am sure. Or Crystal Meth. :|
I still can't believe they made that lame book into a movie. <o___o> But the movie looks, huh, action-y from the trailer! XD *want to DL it >>;* AND THE SOUNDTRACK PWNZ D,X *embarassed to admit it* At least, like, 7 songs or so on it. 8D That's like half. XD BUT IT ADDICTED ME AND FOMG. *listened to "I Caught Myself" by "Paramore"* at least 600 times since yesterday. <OwO!!!! Now I'm half addicted to that one still, and half adicted to "Jesus" by "Gackt" >W< *HWAOIEWAHROWAIHRISPAAAAZ*
GAH. I LUFF MUSIC SO MUCH. D,: *should really be a musician* XD
Anyways, yush. I'm trying to get back into the swing of drawing after not doing it in so long. I am rusty. :| But I always sucked, so it's AWWRIGHT! 8D OH! And LOL, I think I'm getting "noticed" on DA a little, because I've gotten badgered about my NeoNazism on there, like, twice in the past two days. LAWL. 8DDD OMFG WIIIN! >W< Pretty soon I'll be banhammered like the rare others that were like me on there. :\ This I don't understand though. I mean, because most of the other NeoNazis on DA NEVER BOTHERED NOR FLAMED ANYONE, yet EVERYONE ELSE flamed them. And yet it's the Nazis that get banned. Why? I don't fucking care that you dislike what Hitler did or how we support him. I fucking dislike that you like fags or pronz or perverted shit, but you don't see me flaming you for it, huh? Right. :| This world is really fucked up. XD;;; A world where you can get away with being such a fucking hypocrit, yet still hailed the "good one." :\ And you know, it's even more funny that it's the so called "politically correct" that come to OUR pages and try to start a war with US and not the other way around, lulz. Looks like someone's got a bad case of misunderstanding who's causing the REAL problems here. =P
Eh, it doesn't bother me though. 8D I actually WANT flames. XD *not getting any though* D: Dood, someone flame me. >D Flames are the pudding that lines my CAEK. 8D *SPAZZ* Iz epic. *nodnod* In other news, Christmas comes soon and I dunno wut to do about that. D: I want to get presents for my friends, but I can't afford ANYTHING. DX And I'm so slow in art that by the time I draw everyone a gift, it's NEXT CHRISTMAS XD;; *LOLFAIL* So I'm feeling very bad over this. :\ Ugh, I need to get rich soon. XD;
IN OTHER NEWS HAYLEY WILLIAMS FROM PARAMORE IS INSANELY CUTE. >W< *SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZ* RIWHROAWIHRWIEWOIAEHW *cough* <o___o> I wanna hug her. <T_T> *lame*
And I'm out of stuff to say so I leave you with one of my fav pictors of MEIN FUHRER! >w< *Nazi Salute*
SIEG HEIL! >8D
current mood: *Spazzy* x3
current music: Gackt - Jesus & Twilight OST - I Caught Myself
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| Monday, July 28th, 2008
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4:28 am - *Hiss*
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Hell hath no fury like a Darkside scorned. Do not try to make an enemy out of me; it's not good for your health.
current mood: Annoyed.
current music: Kittie Ft. System Of A Down - Feel Good
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 27th, 2008
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8:03 am - Madness. D:
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I'm getting sick again. Like, really. D: Aches, chills, sore throat, stuffy/runny nose, coughing, etc. Now, this is MADNESS, because I've already gotten sick this year, like, back in May, I think. D: And Darkside only ever gets sick like this once every 3 or 4 years. :| For me to get sick again not only in the SAME year, but so close to the last bout of sickness is...very weird for me. 8D It means my physical condition is deteriorating quickly this year due to, certain things. :\ Eh...it's no surprise. =P Anyways, I hope I get better soon, as I feel like shyte and I can't sleep well because of it, blah. ><; Anyways, in other news, I've not done much interesting stuff lately, BAH!
LYFE = WASTING.
But, anyway, it pisses me off. ><; And Summer's more than halfway over and I can't say I really did anything to take advantage of eeet, blaaaaah. D,: It sucks because I had so much planned for this Summer and it all pretty much went down the toilet. <TTwTT;; There's even been some days I've not set foot outdoors, which KILLS ME, as I adore going outside and "relaxing" is not in my vocabulary, ie. staying home all day doing nothing. X( It makes me feel lazy and URGH. <@A@;; I must change this and make up for it in the final warm months!!! ><;;; *determined pose* By the waaay, you wanna know something LOLCREEPYANDDISGUSTING? How huge, giant, OMFGWTF cockroachs can be found randomly floating and diezoring in my Cats' water dish. :| And yes I clean it out daily, sometimes moar. D: But it's...OMG CREEPY. <@__@; *shudder* But, on the one hand, it's kinda good because they're killing themselves...FOMG ROACH SUICIDE PLZ. 8DDDDDDDDD But yesh. Anyways, in other news, my week's been fucked up, as usual~ Lulz. Saturday wasn't exactly productive, and I doubt today will be either. D: My net was dead all day on Saturday, so that was cause for DOUBLE failz, blargh. <U__U;
By the waaay, I JUST WANNA TAKE RIGHT NYO TO GIVE HIGH AND MIGHTY PRAIZORING TO SAPHY AND HER AWESOME TASTE IN MOOZIIIIIIC~~~! 8DDDDDDDDDDDDD *DANCESPAZZSPINGAROUND* WOOOOOOOO! XDDD *LUFFLUFFTOSAAAPHY~ <*w*>*
(And on the subject of fwends, I hope you're feeling better today, Fire. <3 <3 <3 *HUG* MUCH LUFF TO FIREEEE~ <*w*> *CLINGOFDOOOOM* If not, listen to this soooong *point his "Music thingy"! XD *funkyrobotdance* It's such a nice and heartening song. <;w;> )
But yesh, there's not much other stuff to say at the moment, I don't think, hum...Mother's been causing me much angst these past days. :\ Bah...I just want a normal life, plz. 3: Meeeeeh, been working on a pictor, and hope to finish before the end of July. 8,D;;; *SHOT* And I've gone into a "half-arsed" phase of my drawings. <e__e;; Ya rly, I don't have the heart to stress over drawing much recently, which on the one hand is good and on the other hand is bad. 8D But, so long as I keep drawing randomly, iz awwwwright! I think. I dunno. O: To be honest, I'm thinking of quitting. XD;; *serious* I mean, what's the point? O: I'm never satisfied with anything I draw. Ever. Period. D: I find far too many flaws in everything and I'm lost on what exactly I even WANT my artz to look like anymore. :\ I mean, on the one hand, I know these things: I want them to be skillful. I want them to transfer whatever it is I'm seeing in my head at the moment, to the outside world. I know nothing can be perfect and all artists can stand to improve, but I want to at least feel PARTLY satisfied with what I draw. D: Otherwise, what's the point? There is really no motivation to continue. Oh, em, gee, unless I use "comparing my stuff to everyone else and thinking how shyte I am more and more with each pic" as motivational inspiration of epicness. 8D
No. <-__-;
So yeeeah. D: Maybe I should stop going to super skilled artists' pages for a little while, I think it's seriously killing my morale. XP But, no, that would be hiding from the truth. D: Either I figure out how to get insanely better, soon. Because I'm not waiting years, plz. D8< *impatient* Or I just give it up and leave drawing to those that are skilled, or those that are in denial and believe they are... <'___'; *SHOT* Because, well, because. >:1!! *stoled Saphy's emote XD* Uuuuuuuuuuuh, I dunno.
/////endconfusionplz.
Oh, and my style suckz plz. :| Of all the styles in all the world, I had the luck to naturally come up with one of the ugliest styles ever made. 8,D Well, huh, fugly style to match a fugly artist, huh? xD I wish my style looked like some others I've seen, blaaaah...Mine just lacks in all astaticlly *can't spell it lolfail* pleasing quality. <OWO;;;; I'm not talking skill now, but overall STYLE. Like, a sign is a sign is a sign, right? And lets say there are three different shop signs, all are signs, but one is more nicer to the eye, and thus, better overall in most opinions. *nodnod* It's like that. I dunno how to explain. XD I'm not even talking skill right now, like I said earlier, just how I DO things and make them LOOK, I dunno. OMGWTFCONFUSE. My style's always been pretty much a WTF inducing thing for all, too. D: I'd ask what my style looks like, and most would say, "Iz anime and something else. 8D;;;" But just what that something else is, nobody knows. ITZ DER GREAT MYSTERY OF DER UNIVERSE!111!1oneone!1. And that piss me off plz. D: Because I don't wanna be the one with a half-anime-half-wtf style that's fugly to look at. O: Oh wellz, I'm ranting and this is getting boring even for Darkside to write about, I can only imagine anyone that's unlucky enough to read this posting. 8D
Blargblargblargblarg~ *flushed down the toilet XD*
current mood: Hungreh, but no foodz. D:
current music: Amaral - El Universo Sobre Mi
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| Sunday, July 13th, 2008
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11:15 pm - LOLFAIL.
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You know what's made of epic fail? Supposed "friends" you've known for years and years, suddenly getting a stick up their arse and dropping you without any reason. And yes, I tried asking them, but you know what? They didn't even reply, lulz. :\ So I thought I'd give them the benefit of the doubt, "oh, maybe they've not been around! 8D" But then I see that, yes, they have. And they've replied others, but not me. Why? IDFK. D: I just wish certain people would figure out that it's rude to ignore someone you've known for 1. a really fucking long time, and 2. who did everything he possibly could to help you out WHENEVER you needed anything. Even if most times you were friggin' ungreatful, yeah, I said it. O: Oh, and 3. who always let you use him to get the latest software cracks/keygens/etc. because you were too lazy and inept to get them yourself, but you think he cared that he KNEW you were using him for this? No. Because he cared for you and thought, "this is what friends are for, helping one another out." Even though it was him who was doing most of the helping, lulz.
Live and learn, I guess. :|
In other news, my fucking "mother" stole from me again, HAHA. :| This time she actually had the gall to do it whilst the little money I had was still on my person. Exactly 1 dollar and 59 cents, plz. I couldn't even buy an entire meal with this, lulz. I was planning on buying, like, a burger off the dollar menu at Mcdonald's which woulda left me starving, still. *FAIL* But guess what? When I woke up today I found my money gone and after a bit of grumbling, found out it was "dear mother" who stole it from me. She actually went into my room as I slept, put her hands in my fucking pockets, and took it to buy a can of booze with. :| LOLWUT. I know her, scratch that, all of theirs, tendency to steal shit from me, so that's why whenever I have money I keep it with me at all times. If they want it/know I have anything, they'll take it by force, anyway, so that's kinda moot. D: But i still have to try. :\ So I thought if I kept my pathetic buck-fifty on me, it'd be okies. Well...
I know now it DOESN'T FUCKING WORK. >8(
And I also know that sometimes I'm way too fucking deep-a-sleeper. D8< *hadn't slept in 39473407hours and had walked alot and was epically tired* But that's no excuse, blargh. Anyways, bah, LOLIFAILPLZ.
Shoot me, ktnxbye. :|
Why don't I "friend" this?
IDFK. D8
P.S: A big fuck-you to traitors. O:
P.S.S: *point up* Ah, thaz why. 8D
current mood: Pissy~ DX
current music: Disturbed - Meaning Of Life
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| Monday, July 7th, 2008
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7:38 am - LOLWUT
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Well that only lasted a day, the being on the front page journals in DA, lulz. But it was fun while it lasted and I took MASS SCREENSHOT for rememberence. XDD Sadly I didn't get as popular as I thought I would, ie. not at all *LOLFAIL* So...it was pretty much wortheless doing that, LMAOOOO. I realize now that to get popular for realz, I must actually get there with my artz in one of two ways: 1. being insanely good, or 2. drawing yaoi pronz. Both of which will never, ever, EVER happen in the history of forever. Period. 8D So's...yush. At least it was fun while it lasted and Saphy's a really good friend for helping me attain my dream. <3 *HUG HER* >w< When I die I will put this on my grave! 8DDD *FAIL* XD
Anyways, last Monday I saw Hancock! <OwO> Iz a really great film! FOMG ANYONE WHO'S SEEING THIS: WAAAATCH EEEET!! >w< I luffed it alllll! <*________*> It was awesooooome! 8DDDD I almost didn't get in, either. D: There was some such crap going on about the people who were running the screening not wanting to accept print-outs of the passes and other such bull-crap. XD But then some gigantic elephant woman started yelling at them and scared them into allowing it, lulz. 8D So, yush. <OwO> And whereas the last couple of weeks were EPICALLY busy, I'm sad to report that since then (Monday June 30th) my lyf has failed. D: I've either stayed home or gone out, but not anywhere especially interesting and BLAH. XD
Not to mention the 4th of July SUCKED. OMG...So, so, much. I didn't do anything, not even get to watch the fireworks and I stayed home and angsted over somesuch private sheeet. LOLWUTEPICFAILPLZ. :| So ya...there goes a year of waiting for nothing. DDDD|< *grumble* BAH. Anyways, from then on it was moar wasted LYF. Seriously, dood, the only worthwhile thing I've done since June 30th was talk to my friends. 8DDD Without that, the week woulda been MAJOR EPIIIIC FAAAAAIL. DDDX So ya rly. :| In other news, today's a new Monday and another movie in the paaark. Hum..."The man who came to dinner" I think, lolwut. XD So I'll be going to that, yush. x3
ROOOAH AND LMAOOOO I was outside earlier tonight hunting for foodz and there was this crazy drugged up faggot of a homeless person picking up cans and I saw him go by, then a second time, then when I was passing by a bit further down a THIRD time, LMAO. And, thaz not the funny part here! D: The funny part is as I was passing him by the third time he said (to me, I guess, lulz, as no one else was around or near by him at the time DX) And I qoute, "LICK THAT CHEESE" ...LOLWUT!?!??! XDDDDDDDDDDD I FOOKING BURST OUT LAUGHING!! XDDDDDDDDDDDDDD IHROIWRHWOIHRAOIWRHWAIHR LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! sa8fARHHHFHSI H*DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE* Doooooood!!! Usually crap like some wierdo fag saying something to me would piss me off, but "LICK THAT CHEESE"!?!?! WTF!!
THERE WAS NO CHEESE PLZ. :|
I wish! LULZ. As I was hungreh. XDD But, omfgggggg...LICK THAT CHEESE! XDDDD I just kept walking, like, WTFed and laughing my arse off, but I had half a mind to tell him, "SOZZZ IZ ILLEGAL ON THIS PLANET D,:" or something like that. XDD LOLOLOLOLLLLL....xD Iz epic. XDDDDD And what made it MOAR funny is that he was pretty much wearing womens clothes, so ya rly. X,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,DDD *sob and laugh and die all at once* OMFG. Fags are made of so, so, SO much fail. xDDDD Ahhhh, so's yesh, that was hilarious and freakeh. 8D
Hum...And that's all I have to say for nyo, I think. O:
P.S: H'OH SHEEET I LUFF THE SIT-DOWN-STAND-UP SONG FROM SESAME STREET!! XDDD *SPAZZ AND WISH TO FIND AN MP3 OF IT SO BADLY* 8DDDDDDDDD
~Come and sit right next to me, would you lyk a cup of tea?
I stand,
you sit,
I stand.
You can sit or you can stand,
it is up to you my friend!
But if you want to see me smile, stay here for awhile~~~!!
*SIT AND STAND MADLY* XDDDD
I'm so not kidding about any of this, either. <OwO>
current mood: *Random* XD
current music: Wumpscut - She's Dead
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| Sunday, July 6th, 2008
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3:36 am - EPIC WIIIIN!!!
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OMFGGGG OIESHTWRHIWRHYIWAR I'M NUMBER ONE IN JOURNAL ON THE TODAY PAGE! WOOOOOOOO!! MY LYFZ DREAM IS COMPLETE!! LOLWUT!!11ONEONE! NOW I CAN DIE HAPPY AND IN PEACE OMFG YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYAYAYA!)yeowYRAWORYIAOIYFSIFUGYSIUF YTHIS WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE IF IT WASN'T FOR SAPHY! *HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG* SHE'S AWESOOOOOOOOOME AND STAYED UP WITH ME FOR FOUR HOURS GOING MAAAD TOGETHER <3 <3 <3 XDDD OMFGGGGG AND OYWRAOIYRAOIRYOIR FFOOOMGGG MY DREAM CAME TRUE PLZ! *SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW* WOOOOOOOOOOO CAPZ ABUSE I CANT TAAAAAAAALK *FAINT AND DIE OF JOY*
current mood: WOO OMFG! XD
current music: System Of A Down - Prison Song
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| Friday, July 4th, 2008
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7:22 pm - Wow. :|
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This is the first time in many, many years that my 4th of July has been so, so fucked up to the point that I don't even get to go see the Fireworks.
Wow.
Instead of getting better as time goes by, my life is getting WORSE.
Epic fucking win.
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current mood: Bah...
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darkside915's journal