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*sigh*

I really need to stop getting so stupidly hopeful whenever I get a new/random note on DA...nobody will ever send me an apology note, or even an "I miss you." LOL. They're so over me. And it's sad how I fuckin' continue to miss people whom I know don't fucking care to miss me...God, why am I this way? :C If there's one thing I could change about my personality, it'd be to just not be such a fucking sentimental fucktard when it comes to friends that went to hell...People who throw you away, who ignore you, who refuse to be mature about a serious situation, and instead blame you for it...Why do I continue to cling to them? Miss them? Have to struggle with myself against actually attempting to speak to them again? Knowing...KNOWING they're not gonna fucking reply, so it will just be an excersize in humiliation and ego crush...God...Why am I like this? WHY WHY WHY? :C Haven't I been completely destroyed by "friends" doing the exact same sorts of things enough to have learnt my lessons? I know it's the year-factor, how long I've known them...how completely loyal I was to them...How I thought of them as great friends...but...once you see that they don't fuckin' CARE, why can't you just fucking NOT CARE back? Eh, Darkside? What's your problem, mate? Why do you keep allowing your heart to die at the hands of people that never deserve to even wrap a finger around it? :C

I...don't know...that's the sad part.

In the start I trust nobody, I tell myself I "won't get attached," I do ALL that I can to never allow myself to be in such a shit position ever again...but then...sure enough...I know someone for so and so amount of time, or we talk so and so often for years, and I inevitably start to care and give a shit about them...and I start to just...fool myself into thinking they will be "better" than all those before them. That they will and would NEVER hurt me as those others' did...and, of course, it always inevitably falls through; they always end up doing the exact same things everyone else does, and completely destroying me...and, as always, of course, they never fucking even CARE a tiny bit about what they do. And so I am left mourning their loss, missing them, contemplating degrading myself...and they're left happy as shit, feeling like they're the victims and I'm the one at fault. I would go so far as to truly believe they are happier without having to "deal with me" anymore...Which really fucking sucks, all things considering. :/ And...it just hurts...god...it fucking hurts a hellish amount. It's like, WHY am I /ALWAYS/ the one in this position? The one writting up  these stupidly sad journals over some fucking asshole "friend" who decides to trash me three or four years down the line? LOL...it's really fuckin' sad. I could go back in my journal archives and see all the "others" since I started posting on LJ who have hurt me the same way. Lol...it just sucks. That's like the story of my life when it comes to friendships...some people are lucky enough to keep people forever, and never be betrayed. I usually have a shelf life of around 3 years tops, maybe 4 if I'm incredibly lucky...after that...well. Either the person throws me away, or we drift so far apart we're barely friends anymore. :/ More like "someone I used  to know once upon a time..." And I can deal with those, even, the ones who drift away. But the ones who, suddenly, after three or four years of CLOSE friendship decide to throw me away over one fucking minor argument? Those are the one's that KILL me...and of course, they don't care at all.

Nobody ever does...

And what sucks, is I can tell all these incidents have taken a toll on me...I used to be completeley happy and gung-ho to make new friends~ I'd easily "jump in" to new friendships and feel a sorta "click" with a lot of different people. But now...I just...feel so jaded and like, what's the point? It takes a LOT to get me to "care" enough to try to build a friendship with someone now, even people I think would make nice friends, or who seem really fun~ It's like, I'm just giving up on everyone because of these other people who've hurt me...and it sucks, it truly does. What should those "ex friends" care? They're fuckin' fine. They don't  believe they did ANYTHING wrong, and that it is all my fault, so they move on easily as if I didn't exist in their lives for four fucking years...8D But me? I'm stuck feeling like SHIT and full of regret for daring to confront them with my feelings (Every. Fucking. Time.) so I learn not to do it, and I do succeed at that for years at a time...but eventually I can't take it anymore, I confront whatever new "group" of friends I have, they do the same exact thing as everyone else, and I'm left more damaged and hurt than before...<U__U> I don't know how much longer I can take this...I've already gone through too many "groups" of friends I  considered to be my BEST, and whom I put A LOT of myself into...I feel like I've already given away so much of myself, that there isn't much left for anyone "new." Even people I would like to try with, because in the back of my head, a voice grows louder and louder each time I get betrayed..."Don't even bother. What's the point? They will inevitably throw you away as all the others have." And it gets harder to ignore it as I get thrown away by the next "group" and the next and the next...Pretty soon I will be like these fucked up people who don't trust anyone, and are wary of anyone's "nice gestures" for fear of them just ending up betraying me in the end, anywyay...

And that REALLY fucking sucks, because I /NEED/ friends to be happy. I need people to talk to. I need to have a "circle" of support...I feel so fucking ALONE and lonely without it...Like, it just sucks...if I have nobody to talk to, to share things with, to have fun with, I just become more and more depressed...Excersise and socialization (even if it's just online for now...) are two of the MAJOR factors in whether my depression worsens or gets a bit better...(I'm like a dog, I know xD) But really, my happiness and mood level often tie in greatly with if I feel wanted/cared for among a group of friends, and if I get to be active outside everyday for at least an hour or so...And since, guess what? I've got nothing anymore...no group, no activity. My depression has worsened so much...and I'm just spiraling down more and more each day...Of course, nobody cares. I have two people I consider friends still, but one I can barely talk to anymore for now (not their fault) and the other, I fear I'm just gonna send him toward a "burn out" with dealing with me...as he's basically the only one getting EVERYTHING dumped on him...And I'm sure he's getting sick of it. Though he's very polite and nice, and says it's fine, I just don't know...and I worry...and I feel just plain shitty for dumping everything on him. There's no balance anymore :C And that's unfair to him, and makes me a shitty friend. So I try to hold back, but at the same time, I'm desperate to talk with anyone about all these things I have to share...

And nobody IRL gives a flying fuck about any of it. Joanna certainly doesn't LMAO. If I talk to her, she leaves me feeling about 98 percent of the time as if I were talking to a wall...:C Unless I'm talking about something that interests HER, she won't care to even TRY to listen to me...It's really fucking sad. But then she expects me to listen to all her boring shit, and how she did this and this at work with this and that Co-worker, blahblah. And how she's gonna go with her family for Dad's Day (which is a whole other paragraph, soon to come...<e__e; ) and all this shit. It's like, well, WHAT ABOUT ME? When can /I/ fucking be LISTENED to?  Never, apperently. And I don't need to hear her bullshit about how, "I'm a guy and shouldn't talk much" it's like WTF. I spend ALL DAY ALMOST /EVERY/ DAY SILENT AS A FUCKING FISH...so excuse me that the few times I have shit to share or talk about, or am excited over something that interests me, I want to share it...and that's such a totally BULLSHIT stereotype too, as I hear guys fuckin' blabbering ALL the time to each other, or geeking out about their intrests/etc. I hear them even GOSSIPING like women in a circle sometimes, too. So I don't need that bullshit caveman theory of "Boys don't talk:" It's like, YES we fucking do, except we talk about things with a POINT to them usually...Unlike Joanna who'll go on and on in a story about how someone tipped her shitty at Olive Garden, but instead of just SAYING that, she has to explain HOW these people looked, and WHAT they did, and WHAT she said to her co-workers and even WHAT they looked like (Wtf)...:| That's the difference (one anyway) of how guys VS. girls speak. We speak more to the point, like, when I'm trying to talk to her, about whatever I'll go: *example* So, the Zelda remake is coming out. I really want it. It's amazing because *insert reasons* And then I would like a little input/feedback in return...but of course I get none. <UU:;; But you see, that's it, you find out in the very start of the sentence that "This game is coming out; I want it because it's good. This is why it's good." In her way of talking, it's like: WTF is even the POINT of this story? D: *20min later* ...oooh, so you got tipped bad? I see...why didn't you tell me that in the first place? D: You led me to think the story was going to be a zillion other possible topics. X,D

But hey, I don't care, that's FINE. I'm FINE with listening to girls' talk. I do it all the time online and IRL. That isn't the point of that mini-rant. (And I also know not ALL girls talk that way and not ALL boys talk the other way :'3 ) The point was that, 1. YES, men/boys fucking TALK about shit. And 2. Just because I want to share shit or talk with you, Joanna, doesn't mean I'm "acting like a girl" or I "talk more than normal guys." Jesus...always with those lines. Trying to make me feel like shit or that I'm some sort of monster or weirdo...real nice. Sucks alot, but I know she doesn't fucking care, so it's pointless to tell her. I have. And it got me abso-fucking-loutly nowhere :D When someone just does not care, that person just DOES NOT CARE. It's like those friends who throw me away...Somewhere along the line they just STOPPED caring, and that's it, that gave them the freedom to easily do things they knew/know deep down would destroy me. C: But anyway...It just sucks, a lot...and like I mentioned earlier, the more I get thrown away, the harder it is to make "new" friends...and the deeper my depression gets, the less I want to even bother...and it's not a good outcome, I can tell you as much...<.__.> All because people just find it so easily to be uncaring toward me...Oh, they'll easily be caring/considerate towards ANYONE else but me. It's like everyone thinks I'm this robot that can never be hurt...and it really sucks. I don't know where in HELL anyone gets such a notion of me, but it really seems everyone feels that way toward me sooner or later. I don't know if it's idiotic stereotyping, and they think since I'm a guy it's "okay" to treat me like nothing, and I'll be fine, or what...But I can tell you being a guy doesn't make me unhurtable. :C In fact, quite the oppisite...as I feel I really have few options to turn to when I DO get hurt, so close friends I trust not to make fun of me for being a "hurt boy" are so much more important to me...But, you know, these people will never care to see that...<.__.>

Anyways...in other news, friendships and Joanna aren't the only bad things in my life currently. 8D Even totally random things that usually go well have turned to shit C: 1. My eyebrow piercing, which I thought was starting to heal, is in actually worse shape than I realized...and I will have to certainly take it out once the infection heals. <U__U> I'll repierce it, but still...it just sucks, 'cause I thought it was doing well...but I guess not...and 2. I pretty much threw 30 dollars down the toilet (Very painful for me...as I'm incredibly fucking poor D8 ) because I bought body jewelry that didn't fit, and one of them actually BROKE as I tried to put the segment back in. It was an incredibly frustrating and ENRAGING night when that happened. 8DD It's caused me to give up completely on segment rings in that size :/ (smaller than 1/2inch, I've learnt now, are impossible to deal with ><; ) and try with continous rings...but, jesus, that's 40 dollars on rings I will never use. 8D YAY!! (30 for these new ones, and 10 for one I bought in the past, hoping to use it for my future lip piercing.) So...after having waited almost a month for my piercing suppplies, I finally got it, only to be completely dissapointed to find out I can't use the jewelery without looking like an idiot, and one actually broke 8D YAAAAY!!! ...god. >> I was supposed to have my lip pierced since the fucking end of MAY...it's almost the end of JUNE now. So that really pisses me off. C:

So...as I mentioned earlier, I'm lonely as hell...so I've also been trying to make new friends. (Total contradiction to what I said earlier, I know...but like I said, I'm desperate...and, as always, I promise myself that THIS time I won't "attach") And to make sure to that, I'm only trying to make male friends~ Because, as a guy, I don't get emotionally attached to other males~ I dunno if that's normal or not, but I never have. (Maybe because I never had a dad or an older brother?) but I really don't see other guys as people to "care" about. Sure, I wouldn't want them hurt or sick or anything, but I don't CAAARE as much as if it were a girl. EXCEPT for one guy~ He's  one of my best friends currently and I can honestly and freely say that I care about him as if he were my brother. And, he's the only guy friend I've ever given a fuck about~ So yay 8D But, as a general rule, I don't attach ot other boys~ Sooo...as a sort of "trying to avoid future disaster" I've been trying only to make male friends. So...I've managed to "talk" to a few guys via a penpal site...but, jesus. Now I remember why I don't really do well with other guys...they're usually so incredibly BORING to talk to, or if not boring, then they're dirty as shit and just HAVE to throw in some sort of x-rated inuendo or "joke" in every convo. It's like...okay, that's fine if you like that shit and all, but please shut up. We weren't speaking about pervert things at all, so why throw that in there? Thanks...:| I know I'm just really innocent and childish, and shit, but god damn. That was the last time I try talking to a "man" lol. I get along better with boys, but even the boys I talked to are fucking boring and serious as shit. I can't find myself even caring to reply to them...which sucks, as I have two emails sitting in my box waiting to be replied to. :\ Eh...I did manage to make ONE penpal, but who knows where it'll go. It's some guy from China, 17, seems very nice/friendly, and hasn't brought up anything gross. Which is good...but he's also quite bad at English and I don't know how well this friendship will work out...but nevertheless, I'm not one to judge like that, so I wrote him a letter (we're doing the snail mail thing) and that's cool and all...but even if we DO become good friends SOMEHOW, there's still the fact that by the time a letter gets from me to him, and him to me, it'll prolly be a MONTH...D: So...one letter a MONTH is really not gonna quell my lonliness :D;;; And, he doesn't like to email much, so that's not even an option, for whatever reason.

Do I really want to try to make more penpals/friends? I dunno, maybe :/ But the fact is, it just sucks never hearing back from 98 percent of those you try to talk with...even people who seem friendly as hell and say they're willing to talk to ANYONE...it's like, well, why did you ignore ME? D: I really must be a fucking freak, if here you are stating you'll speak to anyone of any age and any gender and even any orientation and country and religon and all that shit, and here I am, and you don't reply, even though you said you'd reply ANYONE 8DD And then there's the people who right off the bat ask me for my age, which I will never  give them...*sigh* And of course, it fucking pisses them off for some fucked up reason (like who cares? Seriously. We're gonna be friends, not lovers :| And you should like someone based on WHO they are, not WHAT or HOW OLD...jesus.) And I tell them my reasoning, and that I'm even willing to give them a photo or two so they don't have to worry that I'm a weirdo or something, as I can understand that being a reason why they ask...but no. It doesn't work. They never reply. And what's REALLY funny is, I can just LIE about my age, you know? I can SAY I'm WHATEVER age they want me to be, and that will help NOTHING, because they have no proof LOL. Especially if they don't see a photo. So my way, sending them a pic but not giving them a number, is actually way more "safe" :| But, lol, no...they get offended and never reply. But that's fine, because, really, who needs pushy people like that? How would they like it if I asked them a personal question and they didn't want to answer it, and I get pissed and stop talking to them for it? Yeeeah. Nobody would like that. But, of course, they feel it's fine to do that to me...just like with most everything :D God, I hate people...why am I trying to make human friends again? LOL...<e__e;

But, anyway, well...whatever...meh. I don't even really know anymore :/ All I know is some nights ago there was a huge fight with Joanna about me going to buy (with MY money, mind you...) stuff to send letters, and it was awful...she spent the whole night, hours and hours, treating me like shit because of it :/ And then she decided to "put me in my place" and molest the shit out of me because...for some reason, in her head, that somehow gives her back the "power" she lost because I daaared to go to the grocery alone to buy my letter writing supplies. Yeeeeeah...pretty fucked up, right? That's my take on it, but who really fuckin' knows what goes through her head when she does shit like that. Meh...whatever. I also know she wanted to start a physical fight, as to "get out" her rage on me over the whole thing, lol, but I refused to give it to her; the satisfaction of a true fight. So I had to just sit there and take every ounce of abuse she threw my way, everything from telling me how much nobody likes me and a loser I am, to how everyone will eventually throw me away, til it got into the molestation part, blahblah. And, as always, I'm left hurting and feeling like a dirty object...what else is new?
 
Nothing at all.

Meh, well, I was about to finish this, but I forgot there's one last thing to touch upon: Remember how I said Joanna will hang out with her family for Father's Day? Lol yaaa...it's really quite funny, as she loaths her dad and never cared before. Why is she so suddenly gung ho to go with them for HIM? Meh...Of course she doesn't give a shit at all about how that is one of the most depressing holidays of the year for me, and I'll get to be utterly alone, wallowing in my thoughts of how I have no dad...YAY 8DD Thanks alot, Joanna. ...bitch. And when I dare to seem a bit upset about it, she dares to get MAD At me. And try to say I'm being a melodramatic little bitch. Yeah, sure, wtfever. She didn't even care to hang out with her MOTHER /ON/ MOTHER'S DAY. And she fucking likes her mum way more than her dad...I swear she does this shit JUST to hurt me...then again, I guess it's best for her to be gone. I usually have a better time alone anyway. <e__e> Meh...whatever...

Okay, I'm done for this entry...<UU>
 


Hmmm...>3>


Yesterday was fairly okay~ Went to see X-Men: First Class 8D It was SO GOOD. I fucking loved it x,3 It was even better than the more "current" X-Men movies, in my opinion C8 Also had a delicious White Chocolate Creme Frappichino (first time I tried it~ ) and it was nummeh >w< Joanna wasn't TOO bitchy that day either, 'til we came home and she got a bit rude. But I ignored it. >> It's like she expects me to never go I'M HUNGRY lulz, maybe if there was food in the house I wouldn't HAVE to whine at her for nomz...eeeh. >> Anyways, I wanted to buy a chillpad for the computer (Since Joanna's never gonna fucking do it DX) and pre-order the Ocarina Of Time remake!! <;w;> But I'm totally out of spendable monies...I spent 6weeks worth of allowance (I have one since a few months, only took me begging Joanna for one for um...two years? :'D And having to totally explode at her and  be five to the best of my abilities over 9000 times during those 2yrs to get it, lmao. ) on shit for her birthday~ Which was pointless, as usual, since she pretends with her family I give her nothing, not that it really even matters...as even if I gave her a diamond encrusted elephant, they'd still consider me shit and a charity case and that she's wasting her life dealing with me lol. More like the other way around, but whatever...Her idiot family doesn't deserve me giving a fuck anymore about what they think of me...God, I remember when I found out how her mum calls me "Quasimodo" and thought I was either a fag or a girl when she first saw me lol, how I fucking started crying...It was back when I lived with Ashley. I remember I was crying while on her computer, and Ashley woke up and was like, "what's wrong? D:" And I didn't want to tell her, but I did it eventually and she made me feel a bit better...Meh...it's things like that I miss from Ashley. She used to be a nice person, or at least seemingly nice, but she's changed so much...now she's just a bitch and I totally blame Joe for it more than even her. I dunno...maybe they're both at fault though, but whatever...I can't stick to the past when people were nicer, because this world is about the present, right? And these people are not whom they used to be, I'll tell you that much...And not just her....a lot of people I used to know.

It's really quite sad...:/

But, anyway, I digressed...If I don't get her presents on specific days, I get not-so-subtly treated like shit for it lol. And since I get that enough, I rather spend money than deal with more bullshit, for sure. SO ANYWAYS...the point of this tirade LOL is to go liek: So I can't afford anything for myself LOL;;; I have to save some...meh. And when I do save, dunno what I should get...chill pad, that game, or hair dye D8 And other such things~ I also want a new collar but...uurrgh, so pricy. A nice custom one from CollarFactory <*__*> Okay, okay, calm down Darkside haha, you're longing for things you can't have right now! x,D God, I wish I was rich...<;___;> Or at least had a bit more moneeey...I'm not picky! 100 dollars a week would satisfy meee...x,D /shot. Oh, speaking of money, totally random but: Ashley STILL fuckin' owes me 20 bucks from a comission pic I gave her LAST FUCKING YEAR. Jesus Christ....that's the last time I do buisness with her. She wants a comission from me? She'll have to pay UP FRONT...god damn. <UU; I mean, it's to be expected lol, she pretty much stole 600 dollars from Joanna. :D And though Joanna's a bitch, I will say that was fucked up considering they were still "friends" at the time....So imagine me lmao. Urggh...I'm gonna have to go over to Ashley's house and pretend to visit her for the hell of it, if I want my money. As she's a pussy IRL and won't be able to skirt around me going: Can I have my money now, please? :\ Ugh...<e__e; I'm only glad I never gave her the other comission pic she'd wanted, as that one would've taken way more effort...>> And she should've been happy that I fucking gave her a discount, as well. 'Cause I can tell you I don't normally charge a paltry 20 dollars for a two character + BG pic <(>______>)> Meeeh...well, hopefully I'll get paid before I die. :D

In other news~ I'm pretty sure I found the "proper" diagnosis for Joanna's issues. :| Sociopath AKA Psychopathology. That's what she's got. I can bet my life on it. Prolly interfused with Narcissitic personality disorder...omgggg...that's like, the worst possible things to have, I think x,D I'll keep my D.I.D and ADHD thanks x,D;;; I rather be a hyperactive child with multiple personalities than a cold, cruel asshole who thinks I'm god's gift to humanity LOL;; Ugh...But ya. I've been reading alot on Sociopaths and the profiles fit Joanna to a Tee D: It's creepy...she's prolly gonna kill me one day x,D I think she's gotten close on ocassion~ When she's strangleld me, dragged me across boiling hot pavement, and slashed my neck with a scissors :D Not that I care, really. It'd be a mercy if someone finally killed me...so...eh. *shrug* I'm all for my "self esteem" building and all that, but that won't take away my suicidal tendencies haha. >>

Oh, random again: But I realize I "privated" like, a fuck ton of entries from the last two years...D: Sucks, I'll have to unprivate them before I kill myself, so that the police will be able to see why I died lol. /wtf. Nah..but I do want some sort of "record" of my life out there for someone/anyone to read...not that it'll be a complete record, but it'll be something, I guess..../weirdo xD Lol you know, it's kinna sad, because as I skim over old entries, I realize life here has always been pretty fucked up. I think the first two weeks (as opposed to month that I thought originally) in Phx were a heaven, then they soon went down hill...eh. D:;;; And it's obvious I'm way more depressed/suicidal here than I ever was back home, which is kinna fucked up, all things considering. I guess the abuses going on here are worse because they came/come from people I'd trusted so deeply...yeeeah, that'll do it for anyone, I'd think. :/

Anyways...I really do regret not updating properly since last year, it just sucks. There's a LOT of shit I wish I would've written down, for records sake, and I didn't, and obviously I don't remember all of it...but I wish I'd have written it all down, because maybe if I went back and read it all, it would've opened my eyes more. I mean, the few older entries that I HAVE re-read, are real eye-openers, in and of themselves. :/ I mean, I guess you just stop 'noticing" it once abuses go on for so long...it becomes "normal," which is really fucking sad. That's what happened to me back home, what others' would deem brutality, I deemed everyday life. And the same here, I've just gotten so used to being treated like shit here for no reason, and abused in so many ways, that it's "normal" now...that's reeeally sad and suckish :/ And just, I dunno...seems like my whole life has been spent/wasted at the mercy (lack of mercy >> ) of others'...I've always been everyone's toy, and it sucks. I've tried to stop it, too, but there's only so much you can do against people who are in powerful positions above you...like your family, or people like Joanna whom I unfortunately HAVE to rely on to survive here...:/ It just sucks...You learn to bow your head so much under such circumstances...and it's unfair as hell. I feel as if I'll NEVER be respected or treated like a person....not a mere toy or someone's dog (which sucks, as you shouldn't treat animals this way either...) :C And it's not for lack of trying to gain respect, either, it's just the people I've been disrespected by all my life are, unfortunately, fuckin' insane, so they will NEVER see the error of their ways, nor care...<ee> And so long as I'm in a position of vulnrability, as I have been since I was fucking born, well...I am an easy target. But what can I do? Life dealt me a really horrible fucking hand :C And I'm pretty much stuck with it 'til I dunno...either a miracle happens or I die.

And...I dunno...life just seems so hopeless sometimes...like nothing will ever change for the good. I thought it would be great when I came here, but it's obviously not. All I do is long for home...but in the back of my mind, I know "home" is no paradise or real "home" either...:C It's better than here, but it's not even nearly a healthy enviroment. It's the same old broken home with the same old abusers and the same old abuses...it's the same old poverty and the same old hopelessness and sadness and pain. And so it is here, too. Except here everything hurts more, as I still get fooled into trusting Joanna from time to time...I try not to, but I'm an idiot and I never entirely learn my lesson...I know it's because I'm a very trusting and naive and kind person, which isn't a bad thing, it's those that take advantage of, and abuse that, that are the evil people *self esteem building lol* but still...it doesn't make it any less of an unhappy existance for me. Just because I'm the better person, doesn't mean I don't feel pain...and I'm usually the one crying, while all these people are always the ones smiling lol...Sometimes I think it's better to be the "evil" person, as they feel nothing...But at the same time, I know I can never become like them, and I am stuck as who I am...so it's pointless trying to change it...*sigh* God, I even got dealt a bad hand in the personality dept.! Jesus Christ...x,D *sob*

*ADHD KICKS IN LOL*...wORHWOHRW OMG CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS IS ON x,DD /LOVES THIS.

Journal entry cut a bit short because of said movie tiemz. U8 *FLIES OFF* XD

Please stop butting in, ktnxbai 83

So Ashley's boyfriend is really starting to piss me off. WTF is his problem? He posts something derogatory or annoying on any status post of mine that "annoys him." LOL. It's like, STOP FUCKIN READING THEM then. Stupid faggot. Dear god. You just know there's something wrong with him, if he's THIS obsessed over another guy (me.) :| He's a closet faggot with a crush on me, I swear it. Haha. Fucking fag. Sorry, Joe. you're too miuch of a fat ugly cow to attract anyone but your "great white whale" of a girlfriend. LOLOLOL. HA. Anyways, aside of that, life has sucked c8 I haven't updated as much as I wanted to, but oh well...>>;; This computer is fucking annoying as shit to work on, with how it overheats all the time and when I have to put a bloody frozen bottle of WATER under it to cool it down and allow me to keep using it, it makes typing very hard. <;__;> I'm doing it now, and my hands and neck feel like they will fall off...x,D;;God, if only there was a DESK AND A CHAIR...jesus. >> But anyways...some things that happened recently and sucked~

I was made to walk three hours NONSTOP because Joanna was too fucking cheap to pay for taxi (she had a credit card with 2 grand on it C: ) And on top of that, to make matters worse, I was dieing of thirst and I pretty much begged her for a fuckin 1 dollar bottle of water at the gas station, and, of course, I got met with cruelty and assholeish behavior. She basically told me that I was "being weak" and to "deal with it." LOL wow...and you want to know the WORST part of all of this? Is that I had JUST A FEW HOURS EARLIER leant her my LAST 2 dollars so she could look good in front of some server by tipping them properly LOLOL. And then, when I needed my fuckin' money back to buy water, or have her buy me water, she said NO. And wouldn't give it. So I had to fucking die on that walk and by the time I got back to the apt. three fucking hours later, I was so dehydrated that I CHOKED trying to swallow. :| Yeeeah...fucking bitch. I will never again lend her my last monies, fuck that. God...such an ungrateful, unapriciative bitch...Jesus...But ya.

Then a few days later it was her birthday, and needless to say she's just as unapriciative on those ocassions as others lmao...But I, again, being the incredibly nice person I am *self esteem building ftw lolol...* told her Happy Birthday, to which I got an "Oh. Thanks. /dead." reply C: She'd already been expecting me to get her a present, apperently, 'cause a few days ago she pretty much said as much. But then, when her mum called her and was liek Happy Birthday blahblah, she was like "OMG THANK YOOU!! /joyous." Kick to my face :D Thanks for being so happy when your mum said it, and so dead when I did. Even though I was the first one...:| I suppose that's better than last year, however...Where I waited happily for 12am to tell her happy birthday, and I was all stupidly excited/happy about it, and was like, I'm firssst 8D And she was like: *Mean voice* Actually you're not. My mum was. In fact, alot of people told me it already C:" It's like, thaaanks for being such a bitch. Who does that? Sees someone happy to tell YOU happy fucking birthday, and then try to DESTROY their happiness by saying shit like that? It's like, wow...so I guess I should be happy I got a flat "Oh. Thanks." this time without the added "drag you down and make you feel like shit" thing. Meh...

And then her mother was like, DID YOU GET ANYTHING? And she's like NO...and I'll just go sleep the day :D /victim player. It was really pissing me off so much...<UU; It's a good thing I've been TRYING to change my attitude toward life lately, ie. stay calmer in such situations because it's fuckin worthless trying to get her to give a shit, or admit that she's a cruel bitch. So why not just get over it quickly and not be so stressed out all the time? Urgh...needless to say it is incredibly difficult. And I'm also trying to work on my self-esteem (which has been in the toilut ever since I was born 8D ) and trying to go like, "Even when ppl treat you like shit, it's okay, 'cause you're the better person." blahblahblah. It helps a bit. But I dunno how long I can deal with it under such situations...it's really fucking hard. >>

Anyways, I better cut this short as a certain someone's almost home and I dun want my postings being known, so...>3>

Eeeh...

Guess I slacked on LJ again...:C;; Last entry was in March. WTF MARCH. How does time fly SO fast? D: It's may now...that's two months. :| And well, it's almost June even, so more like three...bleh.

Anyways, nothing's gotten better. Big surprise. The main things that happened between now and my last post, was: Joanna threw out two of my cats, I got mauled by my dog because he's a traitor, I've lost my two best friends because they got pissed that they hurt my feelings and I wanted a shitty "I'm sorry", jesus christ...And, I've pretty much lost my faith in everything at this point. I tried for awhile to make new friends and to give a shit, but I just DON'T anymore. What's the fucking point. You work so hard to build these relationships with people, you get to trust them, love them, believe you'll be "friends forevar!11one" blah fuckin blah, and then for whatever fuckin' thing, they drop you. Just like that. You're no longer "in" with them, and before you can blink, you've been replaced everywhere and they're over you since five years ago lol. While you stay missing them, and for what? Ugh...I thought I learnt my god damned lesson by now when my LAST "BFF" threw me away for, again, no good reason lol. But apperently I didn't. Meh...at least I'm not as pathetic as I was back then; I won't be begging anyone back, for sure. Whatever. The sad thing is I've lost faith in "friendship" in general lol...now I just can't bring up the desire to fake being happy in hopes to attract people who can stomach me for awhile. It's just pointless. I'm sick of if...whatever. I'm fine being alone. Who needs fair-weather friends around when you NEVER have fair weather of any type, thus, they'll NEVER be fucking around? Oh, you know, unless THEY need something from you, then they'll be there, for sure C:

Yeeeah...fuck that.

Ffff...I've also realized the hard reality: Nobody really wants to hear or gives a flying fuck about my shitty life, 'cause they're too busy caring about how their homework is sooo hard or how mummy grounded them. LOL. Yet I was always there for them...But whatever. That's how people are, selfish pieces of dog shit. Fuck it if I was as good a friend as I could be to them, fuck it if no matter how much crap was going on in my life, I ALWAYS was there for them, fuck it. It was "too hard" to listen to the truth of the world, and it broke into their rose-colored view of life, I guess~ Brought their cheery mood down? Didn't let them concentrate on their lovely "RP" world? LMAO. Okay, haha. Well, I hope life destroys everyone who's ever treated me like shit, and THEN maybe they'll fuckin understand what it means to NEED someone to CARE....Because without feeling like someone cares, well...there is nothing. And that's exactly what these "good friends" of mine over all the years have given me; NOTHING. Because where are they and how am I? They're fine, don't miss me at all, don't even throw an "I miss you" or a thought my way...and I'm here, depressed as shit knowing out of all the people I ever gave my all to, only 2 are still around and make me feel cared for. Two. Isn't that rather sad? And you know what sucks the most? How there's asshats like Ashley and Joe, and EVERYOOONEEE seems to give a shit about their utterly BULLSHIT problems. :| God...this world is so fucked up. Looks like if you're bitching over your computer not working or how your cable's on the fritz, people give a shit. But mention how your life has been one abusive situation after another ever since you were born, and how you are literally hanging on by a thread to this shit hole called life and everyone's out of that shit faster than a faggot in a strip club, right? <U__U>

I hate humanity. And sadly, I've even begun to hate animals too. :/ My dogs always betray me for Joanna. The cats all like her more than me, but for Demon and Sorrow (because Sorrow doesn't really like anyone, and Demon was a feral I tamed and she doesn't care for Joanna's inability to be GENTLE. ) It just sucks. What sorta dog fucking ATTACKS YOU, the person who feeds and cares for him, and whom protected him from getting KICKED all the time...over their abuser? I just don't get it. That's like if I would attack someone who tried to defend me from Joanna...oh wait, nobody ever would or will, so I won't ever have to be in that position. 8D Lol. People will just continuously tell me to STFU about it, and to "stop complaining" (Props to Ashley's faggot fatty boyfriend, Joe, for that! 8DDD) It's like, um no...I can write WHATEVER I want on my facebook, on my livejournal, on my twitter, on my deviantart, and on my fur affinity. It is NOBODY'S buisness to tell me to "stop whining" about it. Lol if they only fucking KNEW. I wish fat fucking pampered pieces of shit like Joe and Ashley would live my life for a WEEK. They'd be fucking dead. Trust me. Not just "complaining."  God...at least I told him to butt the fuck out. C: Faggot.

But anyway...everything just sucks. And it's pretty fucking sad to know that pretty much nobody gives a shit, and most everyone would be happier if I just SHUT UP and pretended life was fine. Meh...I don't plan on telling anyone anything anymore, not personally anyway. If they happen across my twitter or LJ, they can just turn the fuck away. Then they can't blame me of being "annoying" or of dragging their moods down...'cause you just know the selfish little twits that have thrown me away throughout the years, just couldn't handle the fact that their bullshit little issues with mummy or daddy or school were utterly shallow and worthless compared to the real horrors that go down in this world. And what sucks is, no matter what, I always CARED about their problems, everyone's, weather it was the most shallowest shit in the universe...but nobody wanted to hear mine. Meh...there is no such thing as care in this world, I think I've finally realized that. I mean, seriously, if my own family doesn't give a rat's ass about me, why would strangers? Meh...it's kinna a sad reality I've tried not to swallow for all of my life. I always wished that I'd have a group of friends that'd care about me...but I know now all that stuff is fake. That's why movies and books are full of "everlasting friendship", because mostly that's just a fictional fantasy...not reality.

Anyways...if nobody wants to hear it, that's fine. At least my blog and Sebastian (my IRL journal) will record everything...for when I utlimately end my life. Maybe someone will find it and read them after I'm dead, and maybe then someone will finally care...who knows. *shrug* Either way, they're nice places to vent. \o/ *sigh* So...back to shit that's changed since March: Syn is gone now...:C He roams the complex; Joanna threw him out, as I said. I miss him...but hopefully he's happier out there than in here, with her...Cujo (the dog...) will soon be re-homed...he keeps trying to attack me for Joanna whenever we fight; it's fucking INSANE. He's a traitor, but I pity him fror aligning with the wrong person and I know he'll be better off in another house. Joanna spends her time abusing him still, whenever I'm not looking...:/ I try to protect him still, but there's only so much I can do. I've lost my bond toward him after he mauled me, 'cause he really crushed me and hurt my feelings badly that he would do that, so I just don't love him anymore. I care about his well being, and I feel bad for him, but I don't "love" him, and I'm sure he can sense that he lives in a house where one person hates him (Joanna,) and the other  is just too hurt/betrayed to feel anything other than responbility toward him. I hope he'll find someone who'll take really good care of him, as he was a really good dog...all things aside. :C I'll miss him too...And *sigh* finally, this stray that was brought in a few months ago, will be re-thrown out as well. Joanna originally threw him out with Syn, but let him back in about a week later when he was the front door, looking like death. She'll give him to a house this time, but still...it's a mind fuck, having all these pets come and go...I really, really miss home...where once I got a pet, I was able to keep it til death do us part...But not here, oh no. Meh...

But ya, so...there's nothing much else to say for now...


Meh...


So I've been emotionally deadend for the past week, going on two. It's quite sad...I just don't care about anything anymore, but at the same time there's this boiling rage bubbling just beneath the surface. It's like there's a sedated pittbull in a broken cage, but he's rabid and soon to wake up...and god, when he does...when he does...:/;; But anyways, I've been reading like crazy this whole week...I've literally (LOL) finished five 300pg novels in a week, and I'm half way through my 6th...and it's not even monday officially yet. ]: Which is good, I guess...meh. Joanna says I'm a loser, but whatever...she's just jealous her brain is too tiny to accept reading anything more mentally challanging than PORNO. |: And then /I'm/ supposidly the loser? Life's been sad...like a never-ending melencholy of sadness and deadness...it sucks. But what else is new, right? Joanna's still mean to me off and on, still trying to pick fights, still uncaring. Case in point: I asked her to get me a shitty 1.50$ loaf of bread today because I was starving, and I had some canned chicken a friend sent me (otherwise I'd have NOTHING...) that I wanted to eat with some bread, and instead of going, you know what she says before she leaves for work? She says: Aren't you on a diet? You shouldn't be eating. :| I was like: Wow...that's just the PERFECT thing to say to an anorexic boy who's always on the verge of relapse. Just perfect...or did you forget the LAST time YOU made me relapse? :/ Then she pretended like she cared soooo much...Meh. Sure...

Also, she's just so rude and condescending, like she's the best shit in the whole fuckin' world. It's like, god, you're not a fuckin' princess so stop acting like one...Ugh. Anyways, from one bitch to another...Ashley, that filthy fat cow, unceremoniously dropped me from her logo project. She didn't even tell, me...I had to read it that she was in an art trade with someone, who was making her logo for her for free...It's like, wow...you had me hired, cunt. And I worked HARD on it. How DARE YOU just drop me like that? :/ I hate her. I really, really do. And I hate how she messaged me pretending to be the victim, and that I'm like a bad friend 'cause I haven't talked to her in weeks. And like, saying she sent me sooo many txts/etc. Um...no you didn't. I got none of them, so...you're a fucking lier. And when I told her i got none, she's like: Isn't it funny whenever you're mad at me you never get my messages? I was like: LOL I guess so C: Fuckin whore. But whatever...it sucks also, because I'd worked fairly hard on another comission for her, and now I know I'll never be paid for it, either. Which is fine, I guess, since I never finished it...but still, that was time spent on nothing. |: I guess I'll just edit the characters or some shit. <e__e;;;

But ya...On to another asshole (I don't remember if I've mentioned this already, but oh well if I have. D8 ) That Ryuji guy never got in contact again, til' Joanna randomly txted him and he was like: Oh, I haven't been around 'cause my car's broken, blahblah. But after it's fixed I'll come over 8D...Ya...right. :| That's what I call another shitty excuse. Why would his car be broken for fuckin' WEEKS and WEEKS? Give it up, Darkside. The bastard DOESN'T FUCKIN' WANT YOU AS HIS FRIEND.

GIVE.
IT.
UP.
STOP FUCKING HOPING.
JUST STOP IT.
Just stop...


So, that's fairly depressing. C: And nobody cares, nobody gives a shit...and then Joanna criticizes me when I go running back to a friend who's ignored me for awhile, but who recently got in contact. Well, I'm sorry if I'm lonely...she'll NEVER understand it. Ever. She has a mum and sister...she'll always have someone there for her. Always. Me? I'm completely alone here...so I cling to those I can...even the not so nice ones. Yeah, it's pathetic. But I can't help it...Lonliness hurts. A lot. :C; And not like I have any luck making friends who treat me well, so ya...Like I've said several times, I have two. That's it. I know like...around 15 ppl...and out of all of them, only 2 seem to care. Only 2. :/ What sorta shit is that for the other 13? They never speak to me unless spoken to...wtf is this, Victorian England? With me as the headmaster and them as the kiddies? LOL. No. It's not. It's them not liking me and only talking to me when I "force" my company upon them. But hey, nevermind it, I'll never force my company upon them ever again. I'm sorry I gave so much, cared so much, tried so fucking hard. It was pointless. Just like everything else in my life:

Completely. Utterly. Pointless.

I have this fear that I'm gonna just spend my life locked away in a room, living inside the stories I read, because reality is too sad to deal with...Because outside of the book, nobody wants to hang out with me, while the novels' characters aren't real, so they have to accept my company. :/; Quite pathetic, right? ...right. Also, I've been over-eating, and that's depressing me so much too...I've not gained anything YET. Still 141...*gag*, but I'll surely gain soon...and I'm certainly not losing. The bike got fixed today, btw. I guess that'll help a bit...spending some of this depressive energy might help...or not...who knows. Maybe I'll lose something this week...I hope so :C Another thing that sucks: That bitch Ashley keeps getting comissions and comissions...EXPENSIVE ONES. WHAT THE FUCK. Her art...IT SUCKS. It's the ugliest piece of shit EVER. I'm not just saying that out of anger, either. The anatomy is all wrong, her coloring sucks and is one dimensional (at best lol,), there's nothing dynamic about her poses, etc. etc. etc. And yet, because she knows a ton of people, and plays the pity card, people hire her. :| Nobody hires me...God...if only I was AMAZING at art, I'd be able to live off my comissions like some people...I'd be able to never have to beg  Joanna (only to always be told NO) for money or food or anything ever again...I'll never have to cry over being a loser again, either. Because what sounds nicer than, "I'm a freelance graphic artist C:" when someone asks you your job? It's fuckin' cool sounding as shit.

But I can't...'cause I suck, apparently. And I can't get better no matter how much I want to...I just don't know how anymore...it's not like I don't draw, but I've let it go for awhile from my angst...and there's a lot of things I can't draw well, and my coloring sucks, andandand...everything just fails. <.___.> Then again, apparently it doesn't take skill to be hired a lot, looking at Ashley's shit, it just takes knowing people...which, again, I don't. :/; *sigh* I also suck at deadlines and drawing on demand...I need to fix that someway, somehow. I need to get better...the only thing I actually HAVE going for me is art. I'll never be able to go pro, I know this. I accept it...but I've seen alot of people on DA who are NOT pro, and yet they're amazing at art and popular on DA, and live well off their comissions...But I'm nowhere near that level yet. Ugh...And if I try to preassurize myself to GET BETTER NOW NOW NOW...I'll just get insanely angry and want to punch my fist into the wall til' it bleeds. :C;;; But if I just sit back and wait for my skill to raise, LOL, it's not gonna happen. :/;;; Eh...too much pressure...and I'm too fuckin' depressed to even really care...it's quite sad. Get it? Depression? Sad...Hahaha...no. <e__e>

Anyway...this is an entry to just confirm that: Yes, life is still hopeless. And it'll prolly always be that way...while others get lucky for whatever reasons, even though they're assholes, and while I tried so hard but got nowhere...and now I'm just a depressed, apathetic piece of shit with no ambition but to keep turning the pages of the next novel in my hands, hoping to escape reality for just a bit longer.

Fff...


Alright...so...where do I begin? Just another boring few days...same old, same old...*sigh* The bike's kinna breaking, and Joanna was being mean about it today...she said I wasn't going "fast enough" and that I wouldn't get her to work on time. LOL we had a god damned hour. :| It wasn't gonna take me THAT long...but whatever. So she took the bike and left me behind to walk 30min home...meh. I felt worthless and like a failure, but when do I NOT feel that way...right? Oh well...I went to the grocery, which was a few min out of my way...I had a bit of money left from some money I'd found on the street a couple weeks ago. (No shit...I found it. I thought it was fake at first, but it turned out to be real. That was like, the only lucky thing that's happened to me in all my life...D: ) and with that I bought a gift card so I could make some online purchase. |D I'm buying the stuff I need to pierce my septum~ I was stalling on spending it...as I really don't have much at all, and it's like, 30 dollars a MONTH to feed Cujo...(Of which I'm worried I can't keep up...Well, that's partly false, I KNOW I can't keep it up...so that's why I'm worried...:C;; I'd have to get rid of him once I can't feed him anymore...as I'd have more a chance of Santa coming and gifting me a lifetime supply of toys in MARCH than Joanna buying me his food. <.-.; ) Anyways...today I was feeling a bit down, and I'm very impulsive when I'm down :'D;; So I went and blew my money on a card to buy my piercing tools online. /FAIL.

I haven't ordered it yet though, as I'm still researching and dunno what sorta ring to get...It's between a segment or a CBR...but I really don't like what CBR's look like in a septum...but people say it's not good to heal a septum piercing with a segment ring, because the edges can rip into the piercing. But...I figured if I just make sure it doesn't go in, maybe? I used to have a segment ring (well, no, a seamless, but it's basically the same U: ) for my lip when it was healing, and ya, it hurt like a bitch when it got in there lol X,D But...that was on my LIP U: Which moved alot because of me talking/eating/etc. How much can my nose move, really? D: Not much I'd think..and so long as I made sure the edge was far away from the piercing itself? Eh...I'm not sure. The only other option besides a CBR is a septum retainer, it looks liek a staple...and it's horribly UGLY. :| I do /not/ want one of those. DX;; The nicest looking thing is the segment ring in my opinion >>;; That's the same sorta problem I'm having in figuring out about what to put in my new (future) lip piercing too...the old one is fine for anything, but I want a segment in the new one too...FFFF. But the SAME fuckin' problem comes up with that. LOL; Oh well...I'll see what happens >>;;;

Anyways, everyone but my good friend Pax <3 and my cake mix sending mate XD are still ignoring me. Which I don't really care...my old "best friend" is not feeling so much like a best friend anymore...she's not talked to me in ages (her net's been down, but when it HAS been up, no attempt at contact...:/ )...and just...she seems different whenever I DO talk to her...I'm sick of talking to her first all the time too. So whatever....meh...if she wants me, let her come talk to me...afterall, I've done all the effort for months and months now...why shouldn't she do some back? :/; The situation depresses me...but such is life, I guess...people grow up, they move on, they leave me behind because I stay the same...I never change...and everyone becomes older than me, and then they don't want me around anymore, because I'm like the annoying little brother...<.__.> But whatever...people will always change and move on without me, that's a sad fact I've yet to fully swallow...I keep fighting it when it starts to happen, but it inevitably always does...:/ Oh well...

Ryuji said he's not stopped by because his car's broken...but it was Joanna who had to txt him first. So Idfk if he's just being an OVERLY POLITE JAPANESE (which he is one), or if he truly wants to come over still. And if he DOES come over again sometime, I'm sure it's for Joanna and not me...he calls her friend, but me, I'm just "someone to teach guitar to." I know I only met him once, and friendship takes a fucking million years to build when they're 1. IRL and 2. with adults...>> But stilllll...I knew right away my feeling for him was super strong! He should know what his feeling is for me by now, right? Or is that just a kid thing? I dunno...it seems adults are always shifting on their feelings of each other, from what I've seen. Or at least the quickly judgmental ones...But I can't read him well at all. He's like me...he's /too/ polite to new people. And when someone is TOO polite, submissive, quiet, etc. You can't really judge what's going on in their head, you know? Like with me, I went over to Ashley's some times since she killed my dog, on the premise of having "forgiven" her, because I tried to...I really did. But in the end, in the reality of it, I couldn't forgive her...I couldn't get past that simmering, rumbling raegful HAET I have of her. When I see her face now, I just want to vomit. All she ever does is antagonize me (nowadays it seems...) and I really don't need more of it. I've cut all contact for now. But I want my money...so Idfk what to do :/ (She owes me comission money...Alot of it. D| )

But back to Ryuji...did he pick up on some weird vibe radiating from me? Did I make him feel uncomfortable or awkward? Maybe...I'm such a dork, loser, weirdo, outcast, with no social skills whatsoever. And all through my head when I met him that one time it kept flitting WEIRD thoughts about him: I WANT TO PET HIS HAIR (HEY! It's SPIKY. IT LOOKS FUCKIN AWESOME. I WANNA TUCH IT X,D;; /DIES. ) He's got bigger hands than me, even though we're the same size in height. D: /envy. I wish I had a thin body like his...He's kinna...different. Like...more different than any guy I came across...He has this sorta aire about him that I like. Like...a lot. I remember when he was just wandering around the living room, and I had this (retarded) urge to follow him around :/;; (I didn't do it though, LOL. I'm not THAT weird...) But I wanted so badly to be NEAR him. To like, quickly build a comfortable bond with him...and I'm not sure why...D: Is it because all my life I've longed for an older brother figure? Like...ALL the time. And whenever a guy gives me the time of day, I just wanna latch on to him and gain the supportive male figure in my life that I have NEVER had. Like...ever. All the males in my life hurt me...that's all they did. They hurt me and made me feel like shit. I never had an older guy treat me like I wasn't an annoying little piece of shit, either...I've never had one like, treat me like his friend or his brother, or something a bit higher than a crushed ant under his boot.

So I latched onto Ryuji just like I latched on to every OTHER male that gave me half a look in this hellish place: Phil, Jim, Elijah...they all dissapointed me in the end when I realized they never liked me at all. Phil just put up with me because I was his sister's roomie. Jim thought I was A GIRL for the longest time...(I cried when I found that out...) and Elijah gave me two seconds of kindness, raised my hopes so high, only to turn around a few month later and call me a "dangerous psycho..." (I cried about that too, lol...) Long after all of them came Ryuji, and just like the stupid little boy I am...I clung to the hope of his acceptance as well. But will he give it? No...they never do. Maybe they can sense it? There's something "off" about me. I'm not like other boys my age. I act waaay too different...I don't like perverted things, and I don't find booze and drus cool...Those things are gross to me. I'm like a little kid...but people won't see that, what will people see? "Is he slow? Is he a retard? WTF is wrong with him? D:" Etc., but I can't help who I am...Inevitably Ryuji's let me down as well. And it's hurt alot...I convinced myself to hate him and everything about him, because it just hurts less that way...But I can't help deep down to still treasure that time I met him...really...truly...I do...I wished it could've gone somewhere better. I wished he could've really become my friend...wanted me around...It's weird for anyone but a little kid, I know, but I had the mass wanting to like, hug him X,D Like really hard, and bounce around him and drag him around and show him all my favorite things, and talk to hiim about my favorite things, and make him play games with me and all that bullshit that gets tagged as FUCKIN INSANE for anyone over the age of, like, 7. Much more a boy...

I guess I really must be mentally 5, haha. But either way, nobody will accept that...and maybe that's the vibe he sensed from me? The way I utterly hung on everything he did, ESPECIALLY when he was giving me one-on-one attention. I was like, in another, happy world, one of which I'd NEVER been in before. Some cool guy was paying mind to me? Treating me like his brother or his friend? Teaching me something? I always wanted some older guy to teach me something nice like that...and here it was happening. And I just felt like, fuckin' happy. And I knew it was stupid of me, and shameful and pathetic. But I couldn't help the feeling...wtf is wrong with me :/ And when he had to leave I remember hating to let him go. I wished he could've stayed forever...I wished I could've been like: CAN I SLEEP OVER AT YOUR HOUSE? LOL. And we could've stayed up all night being stupid boys together. But I can't treat him like that...he's not a little boy, he's not even a teen...his mind prolly doesn't work like mine does. At all. Ya he's different from most other guys I've met or seen, but he CAN'T be like me...like, my mentality. Nobody is like me...especially other males...it's impossible. But I had so much hope for him...I dunno why...I guess I was just so desperate to have a hope for SOMEONE out here...that I gave it all to him...and of course, he let me down...But they all do. Because what I need will never be found out here...the only place I could've found what I needed was at home, in a family, with a brother and a father...but...well...things didn't work out quite the way I'd have liked them to...

Anyways...whatever...I kinna hope he never comes back, because if he does, it'll be all of the same stupid, pathetic feelings all over again...:/

Well, anyways...I didn't weigh myself on Sunday, as I normally do. Because I wasn't in the mood to strip down...>>;;; Yes, I'm the loser who strips to weigh himself...my anorexia and desire to lose weight over-rides even my phobia of being without at least two layers of clothes on at all times. But I do it really quick and only look at the numbers on the scale, then close my eyes while I'm getting re-dressed lol :'D /fail. I was 146 something with clothes on though~ And my clothes weigh ALOT...so I'm prolly still 141 officially, or maybe even 140! I'd be happy if I lost even a BIT x,D *sigh*

UH OH, I just had to take off my hoodie! D: That means the temps outside are risingggg...oh god x,D;;

*cough* Anyway, ya...*sigh* I really can't wait 'til I'm down to 100lbs. I'd kill for that so much...even 115 I'll be happier...when I was about 110 I was incredibly skinny, it made me happy. My bones stuck out so much...and I love being boney X,D It's like...just the most appealing thing about my ugly body, is if I have bones jutting out...It's not right to think this way, I know. But I never deny that I'm still deep with disorderd/anorexic thoughts. I've tried to recover my thoughts, but I can't. The desire is always there to be bones...because bones are amazingly good looking. At least in my head, about myself. I don't like to see my anorexic friends who're so thin...it makes me worry about them and sad for their health...so I'm a bit of a hypocrite with myself, but aren't we all? LOL. Also, when I'm so thin, I almost feel like I'm worth something...like I'm close to being like Bill Kaulitz or Andy Sixx...those damned, skinny, emo boys that I admire so much it hurts. x,D I'm even looking forward to the difficulty a new lip piercing will cause with eating for the first few weeks, just in hopes of losing some weight! D: /fail.

But...anyways, I'm doing not too bad with my eating. I've learnt to eat anything I want in moderation, but not even forced moderation. Usually I'll be good at stopping naturally before I hit too high calories. YAY 8D Before I couldn't be trusted around sweets of any kind LOL, but now it's like there's nothing to worry about. If I eat 2 or 4 or 6 or even 12 cookies, it doesn't matter. Because I know I won't eat like that the next day/etc. And that's what eating normally is about, I think~ Sometimes you pig out, but you naturally make up for it the rest of the days by being less hungry. And I'm glad to say that, after two years of eating fairly normally, I've FINALLY (I think...) reached that point where I can pretty much trust myself. I mean, I still keep a running tally of the calories I've had, and have a limit, but if I go over it's not the end of the world...and because of that mindset, I don't go over as much as I used to. And I'm losing weight. So that's proof I'm doing things the okay way...the only thing that really sucks is how fuckin' LONG it takes to lose weight the "right way." Ugh...<e__e; Of course, at least it's more easily kept off when you do it this way...C: So when I finally DO reach 100, I'll prolly have pretty much no problem keeping myself within at least 5lbs of that. C8< I hope, anyway...x,D

Dur...anyways, the last topic for tonight are microdermals. U: Those are like, little implantable titanium studs with a "foot" on it that goes into/under your skin. It's a type of piercing. And it allows you to pretty much place metal anywhere 8D I reeeally want neck piercings! They look SO COOL DX I'm pretty sure I could do this to myself, as it's not too much different from self-harming lol. Except the purpose of this is to have a pretty piercing and not a scar lolol~ My friend tells me I'm gonna kill myself if I attempt to do this myself, but I've read about of ALOT of people who've done WORSE more EXTREME mods on themselves and were FIEN. And this is not even much worse than a normal piercing! You just use a needle to make a slit in your skin, push in a bit, then make a "pocket" under your skin with the needle by moving it around, shove the "foot" of the microdermal implant in, adjust it properly, skrew on the end, clean up, and that's it. U: How hard is that, really? Not much. The only thing that would make it a bit difficult is 1. getting it straight and 2. seeing through the blood, since those things bleed alot. But hey, that's what experimenting is for, right? I mean...I fuckin' DESPISE my body more than anything in this universe, who fuckin' cares if I scar it up a few more times? And if I win at this game, lol, then I'll have a fuckin' epic new piercing...>;D

But, well, the thought of microdermals are in the future~ First comes septum, then lip. Joanna is 100% dissaproving of my septum and my wanting of micros, but you know what? It's not her place. Nor is it anyone's to tell me not to. I can accept advice that's given respectfully and with an informed opinon, but I won't be told or made to do what I don't want to when it comes to mods. I love piercings/mods. They're the very few things in life that still make me smile...when they come out right it's a prideful rush of adrenaline in my blood...I love that feeling...the shaky, exhilirated "high" of it. I don't take drugs. So this is a nice alternitive to "feel happy," when you live a horrible life such as mine where you almost never feel happy...Others would turn to heroin or crack, I turn to piercings...how is that so bad? :/ It could be worse, I could be self-harming intensely again. But I'm not...I've cut down...(LOL PUN XD )so what's wrong with some "not so harming" self-harm, amIrite? |D /shot. But ya...anyways, here's a pic of some people's neck piercings that I really like a lot. I'm not sure which one I'd want the most U:

uponamidnightdreary.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/neck-dermal-piercing.jpg <---love this one U: I'd get a row like this down both sides of my neck.

timebombpiercing.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/neck1.jpg <--OMG x,D

I really can't decide which placement I like best...<`__`;; Though, I suppose the second link's placement would be easier to do on myself U: Hmm...but I do love the other one too.. FFFF...DECISIONS B| But anyways...Joanna says they're ugly and stupid...but I think they're the most amazing thing EVAR x,DD So yeah...I really want them...though I guess I'm getting ahead of myself, seeing as I haven't even pierced my septum yet lol. But you know, who says you're can't plan for the future, amIrite? CB<

But anyway, yush. So these are all the thoughts swirling around in my head for now, haha~ It's 6-something-am and I have to wake up early to go meet up with Joanna in-between her jobs...so, like, in five hours X,D;; If I'm lucky she'll buy me lunch. I hope so >>; But it prolly won't happen, eh...still, gotta try haha. x,D So I better post this and go to--...>>; Read a bit, then go to bed LOL X,D I should've cleaned my eyebrow piercing but I'm lazy to..LOL |D *Irony, since I want so many...you'd think I'd keep up on the cleaning of them better. LOLOLOL* /FAIL.

Yay~


My friend sent me a box of goodies 8DD Cookies and cake mix (by request, I like to eat that shit raw |D ), and some  poptarts, canned cheeken, and microwaveable meals...Mmmm >W< I only have two friends whom really seem to care anymore~ Which is sad since I know a bit more people online, but whatever. I'm greatful for the two I've got <3 The only bad thing was I have to rely on Joanna to pick up my packages for me, as bigger packages get sent to the front office and I'm not allowed to pick them up. :/;;; Ffff...so I hate having to beg her for it. She was so mean about it last night too, I was all happy and liek: YAY I GOT MY PACKAGE 8D (The paper telling me it was in the office~)" And before I finished my breath even, she was like: Ha! Now for me to feel like picking it up for you C: I was like: That's mean...why can't you go? It's like, five minutes out of your day...And she was just being a bitch about it, so I was like WHATEVER. <e__e; Then the next day, (which was today), I went to pick her up from work and she randomly got mad at me for fuck if I know what reason...:| I think it was either because 1. I didn't want to go out of my way, tired as shit as it was, to see some stupid house she can't even ever AFFORD. And I also re-asked (D8) her to pick up my bawx, and the office closes at 6pm. And/Or 2. Because I was too tired to bike properly, so she had to walk 90 percent of the way home. Well sorry if my body is giving out from exhaustion...but I can't be your horse as easily as before. Maybe blame yourself for working me into the ground? :/

But anyway, whatever. I've been ignoring her or lulzing at her insane attempts to pick a fight. Because, yes, that's what she's been doing since two days...trying to pick a random fight with me. I'm not sure why. ]: Who DOES that? God...But I've been too apathetic to even care about her attempts, and so far have ignored them or laughed them off. I think it's gotten her even pissier LOL. She must truly be insane if she's so desperate to fight with me...:/ It's like, I thought most people wanted peace in life, not drama? Then again...she's psycho. \: But ya, anyways...the 4th was the two year anniversery of me leaving home...3/4/2009...I can't believe I'm still here...Tomorrow will be the "official" day I set foot in AZ though. As the bus ride took me three days...<@@;; So that's why I left home on the 4th, but officially didn't reach my new hell 'til the 6th. Meh...Needless to say, I've got some very melencholic moods about this fact...And I'm scared thinking I'll not even be able to visit home this year...I dunno...the money...and the bus ride terrifies me...because I know how hard it was on me, and I'm really not looking forward to it again...and then I'm kinna scared of home too...It sucks; I feel like there's no real place I can be at peace in. :C

Anyways...I looked up the special clamps I'll need to pierce my septum. LOL they kinna freak me out. |D;;;

LUUK U8
www.painfulpleasures.com/xcart/customer/product.php <---SEE. DOESN'T IT LUUK SCAREH? x,D

But ya, that's what I'll need, and a titanium segment ring~ Not sure the size yet for the ring...*sigh* Must research moar...I have a sterile needle already, which I'd originally gotten to repierce my eyebrow with~ But since I've yet to repierce it (it's still holding on thar U: ), I figured I'd just use the needle for my septum, lol. Meh...>> But yeah, dunno when I'll be piercing it~ Whenever I find a way to get the supplies, I suppose~ As for my lip, it'll take a bit longer, since I need more jewelery for it overall, ie. it'll cost more money, than the septum piercing. So ya. Dunna...but I think I'll put one black ring in one of my lip piercings (the already healed one~), and a regular hi-polish one in the new hole. You know...just to be a freak xD I've never seen anyone with multi-colored rings before, haha 8D Well, once...but that was only onlien, so it dun count. U:

It's a bit annoying, but can you believe the day temps are already rising here in Helltown, Az? \: Ya...it was like, 80 yesterday...The nights are still cooler though, but pretty soon that'll change...and it'll be 100+ every fuckin day and night. OH GOD...<@___@;; It JUST got below the bloody 90s in LATE Oct...<;____;> And now it's already going up? NOOOOO <TT> Bleh...I can't stand it here. D:;; In more ways than one >>; Oh and random thing: Syn pissed on a box of mine I had in the living room...:C Bastard...<TT> He wrecked some of my things...the few things I have in this place...I TOLD Joanna to leave the god damned box inside the bedroom. BUT NOOO...she never does anything I ask...god. Maybe I should put her stupid box of ANIMU FAIL out there? Hmmm...HA! I'd lulz. Have the cat piss on all that stuff, watch her freak out...She certainly didn't seem to care much about my stuff, for sure. So maybe if it's HER things, she'll care? Yeah? FFFF...>> Anyways, I'm tired and want to read~ So I think I'll stop now. U8 I'm almost finished with book 12 of the Guardians of Ga'Hoole series 83 That leaves me only 3 moar books xD HUGE BLOODY SERIES IS FECKIN HUEG D8 I have books 13 and (I think!) 14 from the library, but I'm going to break from it for a bit and read another sort of story, just because. C8

Two things: 1. I was reading through older entries of mine, and realized I was waaaay more hyper and entertaining back then. /CRY. and 2. I was looking up DSI XLs on Amazon (as my DS Lite fuckin broke...) and they're not as expensive as I thought they'd be....<;___;> I want one SOOO BAD :C But I'll never get it...I was also looking up flashcarts for them, and they've got some good ones on the market...Need to research more though. Too bad Team Cyclops didn't make an iXL version D: I love them...<;___;> They were so awesome at always updating their firmware and shiz...But oh well...>> In other news: Most of my mates are still treating me shittily/uncaring of me lol. And I still don't care...8D So yeeeeah...Also, I still hate Ashley and wish her fat faggot would hurry up and leave her: That'd be the lulzy-est thing EVAR. Lukkz liek all dat wedding planning went to hell then, hmm?? HAHAHA! ...I know I may sound cruel, but trust me. She deserves it. Epically so. |:

P.S: THE CAT JUST THREW UP. D: /dies.

Well...


So today is, more or less, the anniversery of the day Angel was taken away from me by that fucking filthy cunt, Ashley. 8D Stupid whore...you think Karma would've fucked her in the ass by now, but nope, it hasn't. She's engaged, getting married next year, "SOOO HAAAPPY"...FFFF. Well, at least she's got her fucked up back, 'can't participate in her 'oh so beloved' karate, and can't ever work. She's also gained about 50+ lbs since last year. 83 So now she's just a fat albino cow |D I hate her so much. I wish she would just die. The same way she sent Angel to die in the pound even though I was practically BEGGING her to let me take MY FUCKING DOG...and even one of her other friends offered and she said "No." Wtf...it really was just about the power trip...Wtf. Who does that? Well anyway...no surprise. Seems like all I met here were selfish, power-tripping assholes. <e_e; But anyway...I still miss Angel...a lot. <.__.>

Bleh...and, of course, Joanna was being a bitch today too...I get up tired, after having slept only 5hrs or so, to take her lazy ass to work. And when I get downstairs she's all bitchy and like: YOU'RE 13MIN LATE! HURRY UP! BLAHBLAHBLAH!. ...okay. WTF. 1. what kinna psycho COUNTS down the MINUTES like that? ]: And 2. How DARE she hurry me up like that when I'm feeling like shit, and she KNOWS I'm sad about today...|: Like, seriously, I've realized more and more that she cares nothing for nobody but herself, ESPECIALLY in situations like that. When it comes to what she wants, well, shit...you better give me EVERYTHING. PLUS MORE. and exepect NOTHING back. ..ya, right, keep thinking that, bitch. Like, seriously, who does she think she is? :/ I'm not her fuckin' horse. You shouldn't even treat a horse like the way she treats me...And I told her like: You wanna hurry up so much? Then GO YOURSELF. Of course she STFU when I said that, as she didn't want to bike in the heat with her stupid Olive Garden uniform. Lol...fff. Also, her mum is now charging her for car rides to/from work, and of course she'll pay it and make excuses for it. Why doesn't she pay ME? LOL. Not even five dollers per 50min fuckin' ride with her lazy ass on the back? Stupid cheap bitch.

Meh...anyways...I'm soon to buy the stuff needed to pierce my septum~ Dunno if I'll pierce the other side of my lip at the same time, or if I'll wait a bit, since trying to heal two (techniqually three, as my eyebrow still isn't healed...) at the same time is annoying as shit. D: But ya, whatever, I'll see how it goes...Still feeling rather down, and rather dead. I'm trying to become as stoic as I can be, the less I care the less shit hurts...And I'm surely trying to understand that it's true insanity on my part to expect Joanna to not treat me like shit randomly and for no reason...It kinna sucks, but at least I get less upset if I expect her to treat me badly...Like today, I expected her to treat me shittily, and when it happened, I wasn't really upset. I was annoyed for about two min, but got over it. I expected it. So when it happened, well, it wasn't shocking...whereas when I expect to be given even the slightest bit of respect or human dignity, and when I inevitably don't get it, since she treats me like dog shit...well. Needless to say it pisses me off. I dunno if what I'm doing is good, pretty much giving up fighting against being treated badly...but I figure I spent a fuckin' year trying to fight back against it, and she's yet to treat me any better lol...So now, I'll just stop caring and rid myself of the grief. Meh...let's see how long THAT can last...as I do have some pride, and there's only so much one can take...<e__e;

Anyways...I really want Pokemon White/Black...but my DS is broken :C And that's another thing Joanna won't ever spend money to help me with...meh...life truly sucks. She's loath to part with even FIVE dollars...I mean, come on. Jesus Christ...you see I have no money, you see the few times I do have money I spend it on your stupid, ungrateful ass...you think she could even pay me a bit for the things I do? But of course, she never will. And then she pretends to care when I'm fuckin' depressed about being broke and unable to get a job...bleh...she doesn't care. Apperently she never did...:/

Meh...

I'm so tired all the time now...it's depressing :C;; But I guess I'm tired /because/ of my depression lol. Meh...Yesteday me and Joanna went on like, a four hours walk to look at random houses/apts. She wants to move~ We saw one that was nice, but the complex looks like it's full of stuffy old people who'll start shit...I dunno, eh. And the other couldn't be found, and she could never afford it anyway, so it was kinna pointless lol. At least Cujo (my dog) had his super long walk...I fucking have lost my stamina for long walks, it sucks. :/ Or rather, I CAN walk that far, but I got bad blisters from it :C And my back hurts today...lol, eh...That's what happens when you spend the last two years mainly biking everywhere. <e__e;;; But anyways..I've been having a really shitty few weeks...Sucks :C;;; It seems everything's been going wrong, and I've been suicidally depressed everyday for the past two weeks. :| I'm so close to just getting some pills, mixxing them, and just leaving this shit of a life. Seriously. What's the point of living when you have NO future and NO hope? <.__.;; But ya...*sigh* It feels like I sleep all the time now, and when I sleep a good amount of hours (nine or so), I'm STILL tired...and I'll have to struggle to get up and/or not sleep more. I don't even care about excersizing anymore...you KNOW it must be bad when the Ano/Orthorexic boy just doesn't give a fuck anymore about anything. :/

It's not been quite this bad for a long while, and I'm not sure if it's becaus I just pushed aside the reality of life, or what. But I can't stop thinking of it now: I have no future. No hope. I will get nowhere in life...etc. :C; And no matter how much I try to "be positive", it's impossible. Because the reality is that positivity just doesn't exist in this situation...The cold, hard facts of reality are negative as shit. And there's nothing I can do to change it...I can either live life being everyone's unwanted burden, begging Joanna for shit she will NEVER give me, crying about how I have no future and no hope, unable to get a fuckin' job in this bullshit world...Or, I can kill myself now and spare myself the day to day pain. Which sounds more appealing? Yeah...I thought so...:/ Meh...Anyways, enough of this...The angst is supposed to be for Sebastien, not this journal haha. :'D Guess I can't help it...Wherever I have a place to write or say my feelings...it'll inevitably turn sad, 'cause I'm sad...I'm always sad...it sucks...I wish I had pills to make me happy. In the past I'd have never taken them, but now I'm so desperate I want them...Life kinna is cruely ironic, isn't it?

Another thing...I feel like most of my friends have abandoned me or no longer like me, or only are with me to use me. :/ It's not an over-exageration either...Even my best of friends have begun treating me like shit. I only have two people I talk to regularly (for now...) and the others that try to contact me nowadays, they only do it to use me. It's really quite sick. They'll pretend to be nice...and then BOOM, inevitably they'll ask for a favor. It's like: Of course...NOW I know why you were talking to me...meh...If it's not for computer help, it's for something or other, or to cure their boredom, etc. It just sucks. :/ And what's even worse is I've just lost my caring...I don't even care anymore...I'll just ignore them and not talk to them for weeks, because I'm sick of it. But I don't care to make more friends in hopes of finding good ones. It's bullshit...I just don't care...I'm sick of online life. Seriously. I want IRL friends...more than anything. Not that they'll be any better, but at least I'll be able to hang out with them, and when they inevitably use me, I can punch them in the face LOL. Online just doesn't cut it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love my online friends (the ones who don't treat me like shit or use me whenever they feel like it...which is like, 2. Lol. ) but it's just not the same. I realize that now...I'd like to have BOTH, offline and online...but in the end I'm just having niether. :/

Of course RL friend attempts failt too...LOL. Case in point: Ryuji. This ex co-worker of Joanna's who offered to teach me guitar. He seemed amazing...I liked him so much. I thought he was the best thing EVER. And...he ended up not liking me apperently, because he never came back after the first time lol...Eh...:/ Am I so weird? So annoying? So utterly freakish? I guess so...I guess that's just how it is...I made a fool of myself around him; I always do that with people I think are so awesome. I acted like a stupid loser...no wonder he didn't like me. Meh...well, it's fine...I don't like him anymore either. He can go die. I hate him. So whatever! B| He prolly never cared about trying to be my friend...The only reason he offered was to get on Joanna's good side, I'm sure. He prolly had a crush on her or something. Stupid me...thought he secretly wanted to know me as much as I wanted to know him...yeah right. Who would want to know me? Bleh...That's how it always is, online and off, nobody puts half as much effort into me as I put into them. I have friends who'll talk to their other friends first all the time, but me? HA. I have to talk to THEM first...it's like they expect it, like they think they're so fuckin' deserving of the puppy boy wagging his tail and slinking over to them. FUCK THAT...and when I don't talk to them, guess what happens? They never try to talk to me...ever. No: I miss you! Or: Where are you? Etc. Etc. Etc.

And the worst? People you've known for years, who suddenly drop you for newer people, for whatever reason. Good fuckin' job, they just failed at friend rule number one: Never fuckin replace old (GOOD) friends with new ones. <e__e; But whatever...I'm sick of needing people, needing animals, needing company. To be a TRUE lone wolf, a free spirit, I need to just walk alone. The only company I should need is my own, or that of a good book, or the company I get from putting my mind to working on a drawing. I need to start writing novels again...even if they'll never get published...at least my characters kept me company, their lives' kept me interested and occupied in others' problems and depressions/etc. And characters in a stupid story can't ever betray the author...unlike people you know for real...I'm sick of needing others', be it animals or people, I really am. If there's one thing Joanna has told me in cruelty, but that was 100 percent right, is that, no matter how much I say "I need no one and nothing!"...In reality, I need people worse than any other person she's ever met. It's true, and it's pathatic. Fuck everything...Not like giving your all and being nice to people makes them like you back, anyway. And I refuse to treat others' like shit, like how they've treated me, in hopes of THEN they'll like me somehow...I rather just fuckin' die alone. The end.

So yeah...whatever...you treat me well, I'll be like the best, most loyal dog you've ever had. You treat me like shit, you use me, you walk on me, you think it's "okay", to be mean whenever you're having a PMS attack or an issue, etc. I fuckin' spit in your face and leave you behind. I'm sick of being the "nice one." No more. No fucking more. The nice one is dead. Or at least...dying. And I'm just going to be like how everyone apperently wanted me to be: A cold hearted bastard who cares nothing for anyone. Just like everyone else out there, I guess...Selfish and uncaring. But with one acception, I'll only treat people like shit in return. Never first. It's not in my nature...So ya. Whatever. I'm pretty sure that'll be, like, the end all be all haha...I'll prolly never find someone who I don't have to treat like shit back. :/ Kinna sad...but humanity's gone down hill. Or rather...maybe it was never even up the bloody hill to begin with. <.-.>

Anyways, I'm tired...I took Joanna to work today~ It was her first day working for realz at Olive Garden, lol. I wish she'd take me there sometime and use her discount, so I could get this amazing apple dessert haha XD I dunno if I'll pick her up...depends on if I feel like it. She's another one I've quit kissing the ass of. If I feel like it or whatever, sure. But fuck if I'll push myself for her. Let her mum take her and charge her C: Because she damn well never paid ME for ALL the stress and pain and time I spent biking her everywhere for the past two years. :/;; So yeah...but then, because it's her mum wanting the money, then that's fine. She makes excuses for it. Like she always does...anything to stand up for her family, no matter what shitty shit they do. But if it's me? HA. LOL. She'd never stand up for me. For anything. To anyone. EVER. So it's about time I stop waiting for her to stand up for me, and I start standing up for MYSELF. Afterall...if I don't, who will? Really? Who would take a stand to protect ME? Or defend ME? Nobody...I'm always the one putting myself on the line for everyone else, looking after my friends, looking after Joanna, protecting anyone who needs it...And even Joanna, she never was appreciative for it. She wants to act like a man, and have nobody look after her. I used to fight it, and do it anyway. But now, so be it. She wants to act like a man. Then be a man. But I don't look after men, so watch your own back. Meh...

Same with others, they'd never stand up for me. Seriously. How many of my best friends could I say would stand up for me? Ha...the amount is sadly pathetic. Out of everyone I've EVER known only one has ever stood up for me in a situation where I needed it. One. That's sad as shit. ONE. |: While I offered for everyone...ha. Well, I'm learning lessons on that too...So yeah. Maybe I'll become a stronger person before I kill myself, who knows. In the end though, it's still all pointless...since, you know, I still have no future.

Well, I'm tired...gonna take a nap, or at least just lay down properly. *yawn*

U:

OMG LOL. I haven't posted on here in forever...U: Almost a bloody year, wtf. I can't believe it. :/;; I feel bad now...I guess it's because I've started writing in an IRL journal, and I find that way more therapeutic/helpful than an online one. I'm not really sure why...:'D;; Anyways...It'd be cool if I could revive this lj, because, I mean, it's been with me for years. Like, DA, LJ, and Twitter are the only internet sites I've actually STAYED on for all the years I've been on the webz U: So ya...it'd be sad to just neglect it forever. D: Man, alot of things have happened since I last wrote....it's impossible to even begin to update on that. Which sucks...there goes a whole year of my life, undocumented. Bleh...but I can tell you it was alot of bad shit...some good, and a ton of sadness...Too many tears...Etc. Etc. I'm still in Phx...My two year anniversery comes in five days...I really can't believe it :/;; I feel like I've changed ALOT here...and not for the good, either. I feel like I've become so much more depressed...and dead inside...I fear I've lost myself...Alot of the times I don't know who I've become. :C;; I've changed from the hyper boy in NY, I really have...in some ways I feel like I'm worse, like, I've mentally regressed more lol. But in other ways I feel like I've just lost my heart...my hope...I'm more deadened on the inside than ever. And yet I cry all the time now...It's depressing and pathetic, lol 8D;

Um...even my appearance has changed alot since I came here. D:;; I've gained extra piercings, a different hair cut and way of dressing/etc. I like my style change though~ My style has become close to what I've always wanted, to be honest. I think I gained the confidence to be who I want to be, to REALLY be who I want to be...I'm not sure why. I stopped living stereotypes. I stopped caring what other's thought about my apperance. I just stopped. Now I do wtf I want with myself, when I want. LOL case in point: I've always wanted a tongue piercing and to have black nailpolish, I never did it back home...I feared people would call me a "fag", or think me girly. Here...it took some time, but I started not to give a FUCK. Now I have that stuff, and more. Lol. And because of losing all my inhibitions of, "will this be manly?" I've actuallly become MORE masculine LOL. Because a confident man, is a masculine man, amIrite? Though I'm still a little boy =P That'll never change haha, but I'm not so...how can I put this...insecure in who I am? I guess. I know I'm a guy lol, and some nailpolish and certain piercings aren't going to change it or turn me gay. LOL.

I guess I've grown up a little (WTF. D: ) But in other ways I've grown...down U: I'm totally even MORE a kid than I used to be lolol. Again, I think it was all about truly becoming MYSELF, and who I was on the inside, and stopping playing at the stereotype...Which is good. I'm a bit free-er now in my own skin than I ever was before...Now, that doesn't mean I don't still utterly despise myself, haha! I wish I was dead everytime I look in the mirror ;P But it's gotten a bit easier from time to time, dunno...Anyways! I guess I'll write in here what I don't write to Sebastian (my IRL journal XD) Since all I ever write to him are super depressing shit. He's like, the depression taker lol~ Maybe here I can actually write about the not so bad stuff, the stuff that's on my mind (that nobody seems to care about, which is everything lol) and other shit...Even though nobody will read it, I sorta feel like I'm getting it out, you know? Like...I'm talking to someone who cares, even if the only one who will ever read this is myself lol.

But yeah, I'll see if I can keep this alive U8< Anyways...it's late and I wanna get some drawing in, so I'll stop for now. o:

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